I’ve been doing some thinking y’all. My brain has been active in the “What does it mean?” department lately. Have you ever been sitting with your computer and hear if begin to whir loudly? Like a mechanical adrenaline rush. That’s how I feel my mind has been. Randomly it gets on a train of thought, and I begin bouncing my leg up and down, and suddlenly I’m searching up “how to replace fuse on microwave”, while watching Falcon and Winter Soldier, while also making a to do list and intentionally ignoring my clean laundry that needs to be folded. To be honest, I’ve kind of been all of over the place. Partly because I have so much going on. To many irons in the fire, so to speak. But can’t really change that. Prioritizing takes effort and I’m a rookie. But I’m getting there.
I’ve been wanting to write for a few weeks but I’ve had trouble getting my thoughts in order to form a cohesive thought, let alone having it make sense to y’all. I had to have it make sense to me! So bare with me if I seem all over the place, cause in reality, I totally am.
Something I’ve realized about myself is that I need room to breathe. I need space to take up. I need an area of my own, in my mind and in my heart to just BE. A place to plant my own damn roots and grow my own damn flowers. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time and my energy being something to someone else. And I’m not only talking about in my failed marriage. I mean to everyone. I thought that’s what I wanted. But eventually, I was burnt out and started to grow bitter against people. I let others take up so much space in myself that there wasn’t room for me. And I thought, “Oh, this is me. I am so blessed to be able to take on others needs and wants and need so little for myself”. But the reality of that is that I was surviving on crumbs. Constantly seeking validation from others and living on dying on their words and approval. And if they didn’t need me? I felt useless. But what does it mean? Why did I behave this way? I think mostly it’s because:
A. I thought, as a good Christian girl, that giving so much of myself and receiving nothing in return for myself was a good thing.
B. I felt that if I wasn’t actively trying to be liked and needed, then my plate would be empty and no one would seek me out just for me.
It’s embarrassing to admit these things. To openly admit that I seeked the approval of others so much that if I didn’t get it, I felt hollow inside. But I didn’t seek it for glory or fame. I seeked it because I didn’t see that what I really needed, was for someone to love me. Not even in a romantic way. But to love me, just for me. No glitz, glamour, favor, or prize to win. Just me at the end of the rainbow. And I used to think that if anyone saw that, they would be disappointed.
It’s hard to actively think better about yourself. To push past the negative drag of your thoughts, like wading through tar to get to clean water. It takes effort. And not just a once a day mantra you say out loud in the mirror or a daily calendar of cute quotes. It’s the music you listen to. The movies you watch. The things you eat. And the people you spend time with. Everything has weight to it.
Another thing I’ve realized about myself is I’m stubborn AF. There there are things that are glaringly obvious to everyone, but until you realize it yourself, no amount of convincing will change it. There are situations I find myself in now that when I speak about it to those close to me, even if they don’t say it out loud, I hear it: I told you so.
And they don’t say it with smugness. They say it with more of a “How could you not of seen this?!”
And I don’t have an answer. I just say you don’t know what you don’t know. Plus, it takes a lot longer for the heart to catch up with the head. I can’t see what you see when all I see is what I see. Make sense? Maybe?
I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again.
Time. Heals. Everything.
Time has revealed so much. And I believe it will continue to do so. And to be honest, I’m glad time goes by slowly for moments like this. My life was wrecked by the hurricane of divorce. I had the broken pieces of my world strewn about for the whole world to see. And I truly believe that if I had known then, what I know now, recovery would of been a lot slower.
Now, I’m not one of those people who says “God only gives you what you can handle”. I don’t think that’s biblical. But I do think he equipps you as you go along. Or maybe he lets you go through the awful stuff completely unprepared so that way, on the other side of it, growth occurs. Maybe both.
I have been getting better at handling stress. Making hard decisions. Making any decision really. Before I was like a deer in headlights, frozen with fear and ignorance. Not knowing which direction go. What path to pursue. I’m more comfortable with navigating the hard stuff now. It doesn’t drag me into the abyss. It tries. And it would be easier sometimes to just let it swallow me. But the thing is, I’ll still have to drag myself back out of it when it’s done. I don’t want to give myself extra work. Too many irons in the fire, remember? Let’s not give ourselves extra crap to carry around Julie shall we?
The main things that I want to convey in this post, is that I’ve realized a lot of things about me. Things that were hard. Things that hurt. But I’ve also been able to see the truly great things too. To see and know how capable I truly am. I know that my friendships are real, true, solid and so full of love. To have confidence in my ability as a mother. To know that I am enough for them. That even though my floors gotta be mopped and let’s not even speak about the sink full of dishes, that my life is wonderful. Everyday is great. I don’t have bad days that linger for months. I know deep down that I am good. I am loved. And for the first time in my entire life, to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am worthy.
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