Hope Springs Eternal

Good golly, it’s been a little bit since we sat down and had a chat. How ya been? What’s the hot goss? What’s the 411? Fine, I’ll go first.

I’ve had a lot weighing in my heart lately, but I had to keep being patient because I wasn’t sure if my reaction and feeling towards things going on were really true, healthy feelings to have or the result of anger, anxiety, stress, and my ever present impatience that DEMANDS a response. I feel sometimes like doing nothing is a cop out, but maybe that’s the reason why I’ve gotten into trouble in the past. Newtons 3rd Law of Physics says “every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. Or even better, “an eye for an eye”. But I know, that you know, that there’s more to that saying. “An eye for an eye…makes the whole world blind”.

Jesus says is in Matthew 5:38 -

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also."

And initially, I felt like Jesus was telling us to be wimpy so that you don’t hurt people’s feelings when they do wrong, which did NOT sit right with me. For a long time. Especially in the last few years, when I had built this impenetrable wall of just, idk space? Armor? Cushion? Whatever you can picture in your brain about building up strong and thick defense around your heart to prevent hurt. And as you may or may not know,

I have been trying to be softer. Key word here is TRYING. Soft girl era. Anyways, all that is to say that I now see the infinite wisdom Jesus was giving when he was telling his believers to turn the other cheek. Aside from the obvious reality that it opens up opportunities within that relationship with the other person, it does something inside of us. It did something inside of me. It didn’t come over night or anything. But the choice to slightly loosen the hold on my pride and literally give peace a mother fucking chance, whew, what a relief. You know when you’ve had a long day and it’s late and you’re tired but you still have to shower? You don’t want to take the time. You go through the motions of turning on the water, undressing, stressing about your day, and when you finally stand under that cascade of hot water, you think, WHY HAVE I BEEN AVOIDING THIS? THIS FEELS AMAZING! That’s what it feels like. It gives me relief to know I don’t HAVE to attack these scenarios with a battle sword. And it no longer feels like a cop out to not pounce on the first misstep or continued mistake or harsh word with a shrill cry of offense. Someone’s actions against me, whether intended or not, says so much more about them than it does about me. It has given me peace, to know that Jesus, the one and true savior of this world, the son of God, tells me that I don’t have to have an equal or opposite reaction to someone else. Sorry Newton.

The reason I’m writing about this is because it’s taken me years to realize this. With that being said, it’s not my default reaction or thought process. You know that burning in your chest when you’re angry? I still get that. When the hot tears prick your eyes and it’s not due to sadness? I still get that. I still yell at people who cut me off or when someone says something rude to me and my friends. It’s called a processssssssss. I’m learning. And I’m doing it mostly on my own. I don’t have a partner or a parent who lives with me to talk me down off a cliff or wipe my tears. Yet, I think this has benefitted me. Hear me out: it has forced me to take a look at my life and my reactions and learn how to do it on my own.

Sometimes I’m embarrassed.

And good golly, embarrassment hurts like a beeyotch. And ain’t nothing to do but sit in that discomfort and let it rot.

But, it’s also a great teacher.

Sometimes I’m proud of my reactions. I can lay down in my bed and not have to reread a text thread and cringe at what was said or I can look at pictures that don’t bring shame because my choice was not WAR.

Although, often, I’ve felt with the absence of conflict, strife or stress, there feels like there’s something missing. Is this a human thing or a Julie thing? Maybe just trauma from always having to fight my way through things.

Have you felt lost? Aimless? I sometimes wonder what the point of the first part of my life was if it didn’t prepare me for where I am now. I often wonder why God allowed me to get married and have kids with a man who behaved so poorly to me that it irreparably changed the course of my life. I feel embarrassed that this awful person found so little value in me that he left me. I know that’s a mixed bag of things yall, but I’m just expressing myself.

What was the point???

Maybe in the future, I’ll write a blog with a lot of exclamation points to let you guys know I FIGURED IT OUT! But that day ain’t today. Tomorrow’s not looking either. The past few months were lousy. A lot of crummy things happened, all at once. Expensive and hurtful things I was dueling with, unable to get purchase or find my feet, let alone fight back. Looking back now, I can see that the Holy Spirit was telling me to just “turn the other cheek”. I didn’t really have much of choice. Financial burdens, heart breaks, job changes, holidays, uncertainty, all things that cause havoc on their own, all thrown together.

I lost my dog (RIP), I lost my savings, a few teeth, my job, my self respect. I lost my faith.

My loves, I was S T R E S S E D.

But you know what the word stressed spelled backwards is? Desserts!

Now, I have a new car. A new job. I didn’t go into credit card debt during Christmas. My pup is now in pup heaven (if such things exist). My teeth are filled and no longer ruining my life. And no dusty boy is getting his ego stroked cause I am responding when I should have turned and ran. Cause I did run. Right into an ice cream sundae of better choices. My dessert.

Maybe there really isn’t a “point” to any of it. This is just my life. The thing about life is that, it’s long. Thankfully.

I’ve been able to swing from both sides of the pendulum. Funny, all the things that Ive “lost” over the last few years, I’ve gained back. And if I didn’t, I can now see the merits of them being gone. Now other things can be noticed in their absence that maybe I unable to grow or just unable to see due to the debris of bullshit that was cloying up my garden. Things like my worth. My own healthy opinions. My sense of confidence that I can do hard things. The thing that surprised me the most, what I found growing abundantly, was hope.

I picture it like a little purple flower. And no matter how many times you whack it, it somehow still finds its up up between the cracks and blooms again.

In Greek mythology, Pandora, was gifted a box by Zeus, containing the world's evils. She was told not to open it, but she had something that often is a killer: curiosity. Curiosity overcame her and she opened the box. When she opened it, she released sickness, sadness, and many other afflictions into the world. She slammed the box shut. Everything else has escaped. Left. Abandoned the box. But you know what was left? Hope.

And this is something I am eternally grateful for.

Cause even though I had my ass handed to me, and even though I was broke and hurt and lonely and depressed, I had hope. I hope (ha) that you find hope. I pray that you find the little nugget of hope growing in your own garden and take comfort in it. I think of hope as a tiny trickle of water that makes its way through the rocks when things are all blocked up and seem stuck. I imagine that somewhere, deep in the recesses of my heart and my soul, there lies an abundance of things just for me. A vast pool. Cool and refreshing. An internal spring. And this, THIS is where my hope springs eternal. For life. For love. And the pursuit of happiness. And my hope is that you find HOPE in these thing too.