Time is a beautiful thing. It can be annoyingly slow and achingly fast at the same time. It has the power to hurt and the power to heal. The most admirable thing about time is that nothing stops it. It’s waits for no one. Especially me.
My son was talking to me on the rainy car ride home the other day and he said “Time goes by so fast when you’re having fun”, while he was describing hanging out with his friends. I know we’ve all heard this saying before. But guys, he’s 12. He’s no poet or philosopher. He a gangly, pre-teen punk with braces, who laughs at fart jokes. I mean, I guess I still do too, but I digress. My point is, that even my 7th grader has grasped this concept that time goes by fast. What I’ve been thinking about lately in regards to time is how fast a lot of people have come to the conclusion that I’m ready to “move on” and find someone new! Has enough time gone by for that? Should I be hunting for someone new? If so, then I’m slack-a-lacking. I really have no idea. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all said from a place of love and genuine interest and concern for me. I appreciate the comments from people who know me well enough to know that I am a person deserving of someone great. Actually, I appreciate it from strangers too.
But why do I feel pressured? I feel like there’s this holding of breath, waiting to see if I choose someone soon.
Most of you know me personally. And I’m not exactly a wilting flower. But I like who I am. I’ve fought hard for her. I can be obnoxious and silly, especially if I’ve had one too many or I’ve had a hard day. But just because I am okay with where I am now, doesn’t mean I’m ready to spring board into this new life of being a single lady!
My ego has obviously taken a beating. My heart was broken. Badly. I lost my best friend and person I trusted so wholly. My faith was tested. I was left alone to pick up the pieces of a shattered life, all while being on quarantine, paying my own bills for the first time, trying to homeschool 2 kids, at 2 different schools, while still working full time. It’s a lot!
And now I have to concentrate on “who’s next?” Nah. I’m good.
I’m not a hermit. I’m a social creature by nature. I love conversation. I genuinely like people. And Ive realized that life goes on. I do feel like I’ve had a breath of fresh air in the past few weeks/months. It’s crazy to know that I can literally do anything I freaking want to. This past weekend I have spent the last 3 nights with different people. Different friends, from different areas in my life, all making time to spend with me. Im sorry if this seems obvious or silly but to me, it’s incredible. As I was driving home tonight after having a great night with my old high school friend, I look back on the last few weeks and I don’t see as many shadows as I did before. The crippling self doubt and regret are not longer my ball and chain to lug around. It’s not that my heart isn’t still recovering or that I don’t have times that I don’t know what the future holds. It’s just that the fear of them has lessoned. Also, it’s amazing to know how loyal and wonderful my friends are.
I went to Boston about a month ago with 2 amazing people. One of them I had only met once before this trip. While our trip was fun, exploring new places and eating yummy food, the part that still lingers with me is the comfort I felt. It was amazing to spend time with people who didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t fun to be around. People who would to seek me out for a picture, for conversation, for opinions on what dessert we should try, or what filter we should have on our selfies. I have spent MANY years thinking that I was the cause of strife and struggle during vacations.
That I ruined fun and didn’t know how to relax. Turns out, maybe it was the company I had?
Anywho, I like having this time to not have to worry about anyone but myself. My own happiness. Aside from my kids, my life is my own and I’m so grateful to have this time to figure it out. I do what I want. When I want. With who I want. If I have the time or availability or the money? I’m down diggity for anything.
I used to feel this pressure that I had to behave a certain way, to speak a certain way and think a certain way to be respectful to my marriage. And I always came up short. Always.
Whether these thoughts were self imposed or taught to me, really doesn’t matter because I enforced them myself. The choice to be different was always there. I just didn’t choose wisely. I never chose me.
When my life fell apart, I didn’t know how to choose anything for myself. I didn’t even know choosing myself was an option! But don’t you see? Now I do. That’s the silver lining.
At the end of the day, whenever I’m feeling sad, or let down or disappointed, remembering that I have the power to be who I want to be, makes the pill a little easier to swallow. The anxiety is gone. And not having the concern of squeezing another person into my life right now is a major relief. If someone came long, sure, we would see where it goes. But for time being friends, invite me out for a drink. Let’s do Harry Potter trivia or make funny faces as we take selfies. Let’s browse the book store shelves or eat twizzlers and drink over priced soda at the movies. Let’s share cheese fries and play tic tac toe on bar napkins. Let’s go to petting zoos. Let’s watch amazing sunsets. I’ve always wanted to jump out of an airplane or get dive certified. I want to learn to salsa dance! Let’s go out to a really dark place, throw a big blanket on the floor and star gaze. Let’s split a bottle of red wine (cause we’re grown ups!) and shoot the shit. I want to play ultimate frisbee! My life is my own and I want to make the most of it. And I actually have time to do it. Ya dig?
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