Ever just have a lousy day? Nothing happens to make it that way, but you just wake up in a mood? Yeah…That’s me today. I keep trying new things. New thoughts. New activities. Meeting new people. Trying to create new paths and new routines. But for some reason, I still find it all lacking. It’s starting to make me feel thin. Stretched. I keep trying to spread my wings and take off in a new direction but for one reason or another I keep getting grounded. It’s a little depressing to be honest. As most of you know, I’m perpetually jolly. It’s hard to find me having a bad day. And to be honest, there aren’t a lot of bad days. Not anymore. Maybe I’m just in a mood today. But all I can see at the moment is all the effort I’ve put into things just to have them not work out. But I think the thing that upsets me the most about it is that I’m actively trying. Like, trying to be better. Be a better parent. A better person. I wonder if this is just part of the process. I sometimes forget that a little less than 2 years ago I had a totally different life. It feels like it’s been so much longer, but in reality it hasn’t been too much time. Maybe it just felt like purgatory for so long that it seems like more time has passed. I feel like at the moment, all I’m good at is dropping the ball. I feel like the more effort I put into one area, means I’m spending less time dedicated to others. Trying to be a better person for myself sometimes makes me feel selfish. I often wonder if I’m being selfish? Am I not spending enough time with the kids? Am I too worried about making weekend plans? Do they need more than I’m giving? What am I’m focused on? Am I focusing on the wrong things? It makes me feel like I’m a lousy adult. A crummy parent. And it dims my light.
I feel sometimes like I don’t have a place anymore. I don’t have a set “friend group”. I don’t have a weekend routine, aside from coffee. Like, if I don’t make an effort to see someone, they will never make the effort for me, I’ll eventually fade into the gray and be forgotten. It’s honestly a lousy feeling. And I know it’s not true. But at the moment, it feels true. That’s something I’ve gotten better at. Distinguishing what FEELS true and what ACTUALLY is true. But, I know that my place in the world is a little blurry. I can’t seem to find a groove, at least for more than a few weeks at a time. It’s not all gloomy though. I do know where I am as a parent. I feel secure in the life I’ve created for my babies. But where does that leave me as a person? Who am I when they aren’t around? I’ve learned that my identity does not start and end with the kids. But outside of the security I have created for our little family, where do I lie? Where does Julie as a person start? I’m not so sure anymore. But maybe that’s part of the beauty of starting over ya know? Figuring it all out. Trying new things. Exploring new paths. Having nights like tonight where I’m plagued with doubt and discomfort and moody thoughts.
To be honest, I haven’t had a bad day in weeks, so I’m a little overdue for a lousy evening. I’m little Miss Sunshine majority of the time, but constant sunshine makes the flowers wilt. You need rain to help them grow. So now when I have nights like tonight, I sit with the heavy feelings. I clean my house. I eat ice cream and maybe write a blog post. I haven’t cried in awhile. But tonight they spill over as I type this up. They don’t even have a certain emotion or memory tied to them, but I know myself well enough to know, that if just typing out my feelings is enough for them to spill, they are long over due. So I’ll type this up and dry my eyes and hopefully tomorrow, my flowers will seem to be perkier with a little bit of tears to water them.
I don’t want to feel like I have to coop my feelings up. But I got the feeling sometimes, Am I too much? I keep getting plagued with doubts of self worth and my lack purpose. I sometimes doubt myself. I doubt my worthiness. I doubt if I’m fun to be around. I doubt my ability to carry on a meaningful conversation, to be a good enough person that others want to be around. I doubt my attractiveness to the opposite sex. Am I pretty enough, witty enough or smart enough? Or am I ugly, boring, shallow and dull? I am starting to see a pattern in my behavior with men though. A little sharp with my words. The appearance that I am less of a soft person, when in reality I’m all mush. Defensive strategy? Probably.
Some days it’s easier to fight off the negativity. And then some days all I can see are the things I lack. How can some days I feel like I finally got it all together, and others feel like I have nothing going for me?
In regards to men and dating, I did have a very interesting point of view expressed to me and to be honest, it kind of makes sense. He said to me, that women, when we meet men, that we start them out at 100%. And through conversations and behavior, the number whittles down. And once it drops below a certain level, then boom, the chances of interest are gone. If it doesn’t drop below a certain level, interest in him remains.
Men on the other hand, start women off at 0%. And through conversation and behavior, our percent rises. And once it rises to a certain level, then boom, the interest remains. And if it doesn’t rise, then the chances of interest are gone. Makes sense?
And at first I was like No way! But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. And maybe it’s just me, but I definitely see the similarities between his observations and my behavior. Does this sound familiar to you? I honestly told him I had to include this in my next blog post because I felt like it made so much sense to me.
I know these evenings of clouded judgments and doubt are fleeting. I know that the feelings of negative perceptions of my self are not accurate. I know that I am strong. I am funny. I am pretty. I am smart. I am worthy. And I’m worth it to anyone who decides to make an effort to be in my life, including friends, family and with a romantic partner. I truly, honesty and sincerely believe that I need these nights of not so great feelings. Helps to clear the cob webs out. Flush’s my mind out and makes room for more sunshine and rainbows. By tomorrow, you can speak into the rooms of my mind and hear it echo back to you. Smelling like lemon zest. I lived a very, very long time hiding my feelings away, feeling like I was not worthy because of someone else’s lack of ability to see me. But I’m learning, everyday, that I need to see my own worth. Even on nights Iike tonight, when all I want to do is listen to the poisonous self talk. But that’s not who I am anymore. So I’ll cry today, water my flowers and plant new seeds. And in the next few weeks, I’ll carry around the bouquet of color that I grew ALL BY MYSELF!
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