I keep going back and forth within myself with how I want to behave and interact with the world. My close girlfriends and I are talking about having “Toxic Girl Summer”. And what that basically means is that we’re going to be wholly ourselves, no apologies, less consideration for the worries of others, gather mistakes like wild flowers, kiss lots of boys, no permission needed, and let the pieces fall where they may. To use our charms, like sirens of the seas, and lure men to their untimely deaths. To plan over priced trips. To make lists of good looking men we wouldn’t mind attaching our lips to. Encouraging our friends to take that chance, send that text, ask for what you really want, whether it be from a guy, a boss, a parent or a teammate. To pursue things that we’ve always said “maybe one day”.
Baby…the time is now! I want to behave in a way that’s slightly off center. Not my usual forte. To be braver. To say, under not uncertain terms, what I am actually after. From myself, from my life, and from anyone else who comes along. To write the words I’m longing to say, to hear the things I want to hear and to experience things I’ve longed to feel. To show the people in my life that I want to love my life with them. To take my kids to new places. Meet new people. Laugh in new places. Smile in new cameras. Take my babies by the hands and show them just how big the world actually is. And to show them, it’s yours for the taking.
And Oh, the appeal to that is stronggg. It’s something I’ve never done. Ive gotten better at thinking for myself than I have ever been in my entire life, but to have such a selfish tint to it? Can I do it? I mean, yeah, I can. But do I want to commit to that? Maybe.
On the other hand, what I think my heart has been needing is “Soft Girl Summer”. And it’s not to opposite of the other. It’s just more personal. It’s just more quiet. And the appeal to that is incredibly strong as well. Soft girl, to me, means having less to prove.
I feel like whatever fire I had burning inside to prove to myself has burned out. I’ve proved it. I am capable. I am worthy.
Honestly, before writing this blog, I had a knee jerk reaction to come out swinging. Not naming names, but if you know, then you know. But if I didn’t do that with the train wreck of my divorce, why would I do that now? It’s a battle between my toxic self and my soft self. And one isn’t worse than the other. They just have different vibes. Both want peace. Both want joy. They just have a different way of going about it.
Toxic girl summer has the appeal because I’ve spent a very, very long time putting others before myself. Always trying to be uber considerate, very go-with-the-flow, nothing can truly bother me, I don’t get catty, I’m not like other girls, type of girl. But it made me bland. Like chalk. Serves a purpose but leaves no lasting memory. Like a side salad with generic dressing. I want to be the girl who leaves a mark. A memory. A lasting impression. I want to be a filet with a savory butter sauce, that when you taste it, you close your eyes to savor the memory of how it felt on your tongue . Whether through encouragement, smack talk, throwing parties, planning road trips or going on trips down memory lane, I want to be the salt that flavors your memories. Enriching. Exciting. When you look back on a moment and smile, remembering of how it felt with me next you. Being the brave one. The spunky one. The loud one. The one you share a secret with. Or a knowing smile. The one who hugged you when you come in their presence, and sends you heart eye emojis. The one you call when you have exciting news. Or an inside joke that will never not be funny. I want to love my friends. I want to love my kickball team. I want to love my kids. Show them that life is meant to be lived and loved and enjoyed. Not to be wasted. To show you can be fluid and sturdy, fun and smart, lovely and firm, all mixed together, all the time.
I’ve been nursing a heartache this week. And it’s different than my divorce. It’s more mature. Still hurts. Still can’t listen to certain songs or watch reels about sweet relationships. And I don’t anticipate the feeling to evaporate over night. When I care about someone, it tends to linger. But I’m okay with it. I’m okay with it cause I’ve come to appreciate the fact that my heart has not lost the ability to feel the way I do. I thought maybe I had formed a callus. That I was unable to feel anything past a mild crush. So, while the anxiety of heartbreak is the absolute worst, the knowledge that “this too shall pass” and the fact that I still am able to care about someone gives me great comfort, as weird as that seems.
Which makes me consider my other thought about being a soft girl.
I’ve walked around the last few years with a chip on my shoulder. A kind of attitude that no one can touch me. And to be honest, it worked. It kept me relatively safe. But life doesn’t happen in the safety of my comfort zone. I don’t need to be rough about it anymore. I feel confident in myself that when I meet people, I can add to their life. That I am worthy and whole. That when I’m interacting with my friends, my family, my coworkers, they would rather me be there than not. And maybe I had to go through the rough season of my life to arrive here. I’m tired of this thought of “I may not be to your liking.” Bruh. I’m to everyone’s liking. You may just have bad taste. :) Respectfully.
I think about the people I care about. And I sometimes wish I could just tell them how much they mean to me. What they add to my life. What magic the bring when they are around. Even the heartbreak, it adds to my life. It adds color and character and knowledge. Having people I love around me makes me a better person. And I’d hope they would feel the same way.
Some of my friends and I are planning a trip to Salem in October. And these are people who have seen me grow up. I’m talking middle school and high school friends. They saw me get married. Have kids. Get divorced. Create a brand new life. Make mistakes. And they still want me to come on vacation with them. Through all of my giant mess ups, the still want me around. Do they know how much that means to me? I’m not sure.
My birthday was a few weeks ago. And I had a big gathering of people come over to my house. My friends made custom shirts. They helped me clean. They sat for endless selfies. Then to see my house filled with people who wanted to spend time with me on my birthday, whether they arrived at 730 or closer to midnight, I enjoyed watching people I care about make the time to come to the chaos of my party that evening…..ooouufffff that’s the good stuff right there! My heart is still full from seeing people I love pose for pictures, play beer pong, and give me big tight hugs. To sit outside with me by my car, or talk in the warm evening air in plastic chairs, whether it’s to talk about life, love, or to get away from the rush of people inside. Sometimes it’s easy to forget the importance of just showing up! And they showed up. And I’m grateful. Do they all know just how grateful I am that they came to my house that night? I’m not sure.
I’m starting to think maybe I can have a Softer Toxic Girl Summer. Where I can be unapologetically flirtatious, trouble gathering, love pursuing, memory making, picture taking, boy crazy, kid wrangling, poetry reading, movie watching, cake baking, sunset watching type of girl. I’m not losing my edge. My edge just no longer has something to prove. Someone’s lack of ability to see my worth isn’t because I myself am lacking. They just don’t have a clear vision of me. But baby, this is your sign. Get some glasses and come join the fun.
And what about you? Do you have a toxic side? Or are you swinging soft girl summer?
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