A lot of times, I get inspired to write a blog after feeling some emotional bubble burst. It’s not that that’s a bad way to get inspired to write. But to be honest, it may not be the wisest because, as we all know, very healthy thoughts and wise words come from places of heartache and stress, right? That’s not what’s occurring here. My emotional state is all mellow mushrooms at the moment. But I’ve had some thoughts cooking up in my noodle and I’ve been waiting for them to kind of make sense. To be cohesive. In a way that’s not just putting thoughts to page without a rhyme or reason to them. I need my thought noodles to create beautiful lasagna, not be just a zigzag heap on a plate. I’ve said it before: this blog may be personal, but I don’t want to treat like a diary entry.
I haven’t written since Jan 22, 2024. And that’s a long time in blog years. I kept thinking that I didn’t really have much to say. Truth is, I think I was just kind of afraid of being inauthentic. Which is not something I usually struggle with. I didn’t want to type up something just for the sake of posting. Even though this blog is a sort of release for me, I still enjoying sharing it and getting feedback from the few people who actually read it.
A lot has happened in the last few months. I did my taxes. I got dumped. Twice, actually. My job moved to downtown Miami. I went to Nashville. My son got his learners permit to drive. I bought tickets for me and the kids to go Washington DC. I stated going for runs again. I’ve cried a few times. Picked some flowers. Swam in the ocean. Gave my number to a new guy. Lots of life has commenced!
I’ve been trying to pin down what exactly my heart and my mind and my soul has been trying to wring out of me. Has God been pruning the things in my life to make it clear that I should be focusing on him? Have I just reached the end of the rope on this period of my life and there’s no rope left? What’s a girl to do?
Maybe I should talk more about what a girl is not gonna do.
A girl is not gonna dwell.
A girl is not going to build unhealthy habits.
A girl is not gonna be bitter.
A girl is not gonna let one man’s lack of effort convince her that she isn’t worth it.
A girl is not gonna say “woe is me”.
I’ve been given a very unique thing: the chance for change. To be honest, we all have the chance to change, at any point in our lives. What we don’t have, is the belief that we can. Or even the thought we should. It also takes some mother fucking audacity.
That’s something I’m full of.
AUDACITY.
I have the audacity to want equal effort from those around me.
From my coworkers, I want equal time, and respect .
From my friends, I want equal love, and effort.
And from a man, I want everything I’m willing to give and more. I want his time, his energy, and I want my fair share of his life. I am a single parent, raising two kids, have a full time job, a house to maintain, friendships to participate it, self love to give, and I still can find time to give to him. And I’m not worth it? Nah.
Please, for the love of God, don’t rope me in to something and then bail when you can’t come up to scratch.
I have a lot of gumption to ask from others cause I’m willing to give it in return. I had a conversation with one of my very best friends, and I was struggling with the decision to reach out to someone who I probably shouldn’t. And she told me, “do you think they will look down at their phone at the end of the day and be bummed they didn’t hear from you? If the answer isn’t yes, then DONT REACH OUT”.
Brought things into perspective real quick. That’s why it’s important to have girlfriends ya’ll. Girls rules. And maybe that’s what this nagging feeling I’ve been having is. To finally go out and go after something. Maybe it’s like a blinker I’ve left on too long and now an alert is finally starting to ping, saying Hey! Move it! And I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think a lot of us hmm and haw the unimportant decisions in our life and choose to be small. And then we feel inadequate when the bigger opportunities come by and feel like we aren’t worthy enough to reach out. Or try. I’m not doing that anymore. I am going to brave. And wild. And rambunctious. And obnoxious. And annoying. And I want to get comfortable with the thought that failure is part of the process. I want to fail BIG. I want to be embarrassed. I want to try so hard and be hurt if it doesn’t go my way.
I want to know I gave it my best effort.
You know how I said I got dumped recently? It sucked. No lie, definitely wiped me out. But there’s small bits I can take away, now that the fog of defeat has cleared.
I know that I gave it my best effort. I know that I was present and loving and considerate. I feel it in my bones. So, even though things didn’t work out, I have no regrets. I went big. I held nothing back. I wasn’t shy with my feelings. I spoke up when I felt a certain way. I apologized when I was wrong or inconsiderate. I reached out and kissed when I felt like it. And there’s power in that. In knowing that after all the hurt I’ve endured, I can still find the courage to show someone else that I care for them. I just wasn’t the girl for him, which means he wasn’t the guy for me. And yeah, it sucks not to be chosen, but it’s also exciting because if I can do these things for a guy who would never actually see me, what great and powerful things await me when I finally meet the man who will?
Power stuff. So. Even though I’ve been cartwheeling around with feelings of doubt and disappointment, I’ve also had some amazing things tumbling around my life as well. I jumped around a packed wooden dance floor in Nashville with two amazing people on a Saturday night, while this girl played the fiddle in her band to the Devil went down to Georgia. I saw a robin for the first time, which was pretty great, and I can’t even tell you why. I rolled down the windows and watched the colors of the setting sun as my son drove me around my neighborhood for the first time. I get to walk around down town Miami and find cool little places to eat for my lunch. Which you may find surprising considering I’ve lived in Miami my whole life, but oh well. But Miami is hella cool. If you take anything away from this blog, I hope you get inspired to try big and bold things too. Ask that question. Talk to that person. Buy that ticket. Build the confidence in you that you are worth great and powerful things. And when life gets crummy, then let it be crummy for awhile. When you feel up for it, pick yourself up and try again. No one is gonna give a rats ass that you failed. I promise. No one! I don’t know what things my heart and my noodle brain have cooking for my future. But I’m on the look out for amazing things, great and small. I want to open the flood gates for opportunities to fill my life. For people to think of me when they have audacious ideas. Or when people show up for me because they know how fiercely I would show up for them. With a whip and a chair, fighting back the lions and tigers and bears, Oh my! I would want a nice, good looking man, (can’t forget that), to be proud of who I am, of what I’ve accomplished and be grateful for what I can add to their life. For my friends to know how deeply and generous my love for them is. For my beautiful children, to grow in grace and happiness and love. To know, without a shadow of doubt, how much their mother loves them. And for them to grow up and have the audacity to ask a lot from those around them also. To accept love and know when to walk away when things are not for them. And another new thing I want for them, I want them to know it’s okay to be soft.
I feel like I’m settling nicely into my soft girl era. It’s lovely AF. Soft and squishy. Come be soft and squishy with me.
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