Shifted

Over the last few years I thought I’d had finally grown some traction in the path I was meant to be on. It felt natural. Easy. I could hit it in stride and not falter. I was confident and cool with my life and my choices. Funny, typing this up now, I feel like a hypocrite because pretty much over night, my heart changed. Was it my heart? My head maybe? Not sure. I feel like a hypocrite because anyone who had asked me before, I would tell them about my new found wisdom. Like an explorer in unknown territory, telling others about the adventures I’d go on and the treasure I had found. Over time though, it started to feel heavy. Which is not something I anticipated. Why would this new found confidence and go-getter attitude not fit anymore? Isn’t life about going after what we want? If you’ve been reading the blogs long enough, a constant theme in my writing is believing that the reason why things happen not being as important as what we do because of it. It’s not “it is what it is”. It is what you make it. And I stand by that. So, going back to my point, knowing the reason why my mind/heart shifted isn’t as important as the “what do I do now”. Cause I don’t actually know why I started to feel different. It just started to slowly ebb away at my hard heart and that impulse to be sharp has dulled. I know I’ve talked about it before. It’s a constant running joke in my friend group of “soft girl era” talk occurring. My friends give me a good ribbing cause I’ve talked about it for so many months. And maybe because they are so up close they don’t see the changes. But I feel them. Here, in my chest. And in my mind, I feel the shift. The winds blowing in a direction I never anticipated. Or even wanted initially. Here was my first indication: I was able to resist the urge to smack talk.

Ok, I know I still do it. I KNOW. But, you have to believe me, it’s gotten better. And the reason I know it’s better is because I used to get this high feeling doing it. I would get this excited anxiety and I would constantly have some retort dancing on my lips for the next sucker who dared stand toe to toe with me. I wore it like a badge of honor. But that badge, it lost its shine. It started to feel heavy pinned to my chest and started to feel more like a burden. I suddenly just didn’t want it anymore. That impulse to say some smartaleck remark? I mean the impulse is still there. But I am no longer a slave to it. I don’t feel less because I wasn’t able to make some sharp comment and leave my mark. I used to want to make myself be known. I had to make myself be know. I had to interject, make a comment, crack the joke, interrupt, and talk loud. Pound on my chest and hear my roar! But now? I just want to talk to my kids. I just wanna hear from my friends. I just wanna talk to my family. I want to visit my mom and my dad, and post pictures of my kids on my story, and say good morning on Instagram with my coffee.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am still a total bad ass ok? But I don’t need for everyone in the room to be aware of this fact. I am aware of my bad-assery. But I feel like I’m learning contentment. I feel, for the first time in my entire life, I’m learning to be okay. I still get this anxiety of like, needing to reach out to others and make plans. To ask my friends what they are doing, who’s available to hang out, what plans we have. But the fear of not being invited to something has shrank drastically. My FOMO has lessened quite a bit. I do wish I could tell you why but I do have a theory though. I started to talk to God more often. And I know that may sound off to people because I’ve never really talked about stuff like that. But I grew up going to church. My grandfather was a pastor. I know Sunday school songs and had been heavily involved in church at one point. I’ve never really struggled with my faith until I got divorced. It shook my whole world, for so many reasons. And it’s not that I didn’t believe that God was the almighty and powerful. I just felt more that he was almighty and powerful to everyone else, except me. I felt like God had forgotten me. So while I still believed, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to God because of how my life had turned out. Over time though, I feel like God has quietly been beckoning me. This is going to sound so strange, but I feel like the reason why the few romantic relationships that have occurred in my single life have failed is due to him. I don’t really have any evidence, it’s just a feeling. I feel like God has been cutting out all the other things I’ve placed in my life that have kept me occupied and distracted. Men. Hobbies. Friendships. Impulses. Habits. Conversations. I think that maybe the sudden shift in my heart is because I finally stopped running. Ive cried in my car so many times on the way home in the last few months. I can’t really say they were prayers, more like angry crying babble. Until finally, I said, Ok. I decided to stop running. At first it was just a stand still. You know when throw your arms out and spin and spin around and you get dizzy then suddenly stop? You may have stopped but it feels like everything else is still spinning. Your whole vision is blurry and you stumble around for a few moments until your equilibrium stabilizes. That’s what’s it’s been like. I had been spinning and running for so long that it still feels like everything is moving, except me. I’m allowing the chaos of my sudden stopping to wreak havoc where it will. I’ll deal with it later.

I turned off all dating apps. I no longer engage in inappropriate adult conversations that are graphic in nature. I am striving to be content in what God has already provided for me. I’ve made a committed effort to go to church every Sunday. I’ve been trying to be trusting with God with my finances. When I feel the emptiness that I would usually cram with useless nonsense, I think “Ok God, I’m trusting you now”, and even though I’m scared, I don’t fill the void with distractions.

All of this I reveal to you to explain why I think maybe the shift in my heart has happened. Maybe it was slow, tiny choices that have finally led to this? Maybe God removed the impulses, idk if God works like that but I’m happy for it either way. I remember a few months ago when I felt this pull to be softer. And at first, it felt like weakness. But that pull has grown. It’s not all encompassing and drastic. It’s more alluring and gentle. Like soft music to put you to sleep. It’s given me the chance to finally, finally, finally, let my guard down enough just to finally breathe. That tight band that I wrapped so snug against my chest has gone slack. I can take a deep breath. And man, the air is so, so sweet.