This is a post the I decided not to post back in April because it was too long. But after rereading it, I still feel like I wanted to share it. So here it is.
April 2021
As I start to write this, I’m currently sitting in the window seat of an airplane, gazing out at a BEAUTIFUL sunset sky. Dark hues of pink and orange the fade into light purple and blues. It’s stunning, to be honest.
Whenever I see beautiful scenery, it always makes me think of God. I believe that God made things so beautiful just so we can admire it. What other purpose is there for such grand beauty? Animals don’t sit on cliffs and admire sunsets or lay in the grass to stare up at stars. They don’t dig their feet into warm sand and watch the waves or pick out shapes in the cloud formations, or listen to the sound of rain to fall asleep. We are Gods most precious creation and he formed the earth and all its wonders, just for us to marvel at. None of this is necessarily relevant to my post. Just wanted to share :)
I’m flying back to Miami from Las Vegas. My dad got married and had a beautiful wedding with just his close family. It was beautiful and fun and I’m very happy for both of them.
Part of the reason I’m writing this blog post is to cement the memories I’m feeling right now. So I don’t forget. So I can remember with vivid freshness the feelings I have now.
It’s a mixed batch, can’t lie. While the overwhelming feeling I have is joy, I can’t ignore the bitterness of what the joy means. I know, it sounds weird. But bare with me. Hopefully I can paint a picture for you, and for myself as well.
I think what I’m feeling is healthy, considering the heartbreak of the last year. Not only from divorce, but just life. Its been a rough year yall. I want to be healthy with my emotions. I want them to flesh out, spread out, dissolve, and hopefully create something better in me. Like a bath bomb. When you first put it in, its chaotic and sizzles and changes your water color to ink. It causes a ruckus in the tub. But after it’s sat for awhile, it begins to fizzle out and eventually, the chaos subsides. Your water is softer. More colorful and sometimes even smells sweet. And your bath is better for it. That’s kind of what dealing my emotions has felt like.
I don’t think I am the same person I was a year ago. Sure, a lot of my beliefs are the same. I don’t have a list of characteristics and beliefs and convictions that changed or shifted. I just know they have. Fundamentally, I am the same. But the stuff in between? All of it disintegrated. Like sand through a skeleton. And in some ways, I am better for it. Some old beliefs I was stuck with and couldn’t get unstuck, I was freed from. Other things were torn from me and I have been left without. And I feel less without them. The reason I’m talking about this is because when I spent this time away in Nevada, away from my job, my kids, stress, house work, dating, I had a lot of thoughts and feelings.
Let’s talk about the crummy thoughts and feelings first. They weren’t a major companion this week but I think it’s healthy to address them. Expose them. Be open about my struggles, even if it is only in this blog. The crummy feeling that I think lingered the most was self doubt. Doubt about who I was. To my family. To myself. I moved everything around in my life to make this trip. And I’m 100% not complaining. Totally worth it. But I felt like I was stretched thin. Like I wasn’t able to accomplish what I wanted before I left because there was just so much to do. And I do everything alone. Which is fine. But there’s only so many hours in the day. A girls gotta eat/sleep/work/clean/mom, etc. I doubted if I should even take this trip. I have had a lot of things just fall apart in the weeks leading up to my trip and I honestly considered cancelling. Even when I was there, with every purchase or with every decision, I had this nagging feeling of “You are being so selfish. You left the kids, your house, your animals, all in the care of someone else. How thoughtless of you!”.
I remember a few months ago, I mentioned the poisonous self talk that oozes from my mind sometimes in a blog post. And it’s been months since that post and it’s still something I struggle with. Thoughts of inadequacy plague me. I even feel bad sometimes for feeling better. For moving on with my life. For making healthy choices for myself. Why the self doubt? Truth is, it’s not a habit I picked up recently. I remember when I was married, and my husband would come home and for one reason or another, I hadn’t started dinner yet. I would just feel like the worst person even. I felt like I had failed. But in reality, what did I fail at? I understand that I had a role in my house. Mother. Caretaker. Dinner maker. And I’m fine with that. I never had a problem with that. This post isn’t trying to uproot a woman’s role in her house. You do what’s best for your family. But what I failed to realize was that my worth doesn’t begin and end with dinners punctuality. Just like my ability to be a good mom or good person shouldn’t get trampled by decision to go out of town. I saved my money and made arrangements for everything in my life so that I could spend this time with my family in celebration of my dads wedding. I worked. I planned. I saved. And I got home today. Money in the bank. House clean (mostly). I tucked the kids into bed. Nothing left undone or broken or over due. That lump in my throat all weekend, the self doubt that I constantly held at bay was for nothing.
I can’t always help if I feel like I am less. Idk if stems from childhood, from heartbreak, if its cultural, my subconscious, my physical appearance, or just a lousy day. But what I can choose to do is not dwell. When I was feeling a little sad and grumpy one of the nights I was in Vegas, I expressed it to my brother. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t upset. I was just “in a mood”. And you know what his advice was? Get some sleep. And when he first told me that, I thought to myself Pfffftttt, if he only knew I was on the verge of tears he wouldn’t say that.
And you know what happened? I went to bed. And I slept. And when I woke up, I didn’t feel like I was less anymore. Maybe it’s big brother intuition, maybe he has experience, but he was right.
Ok. I’ve spent WAAAYYYY to long talking about the sad stuff. Because to be honest, I had a fabulous time. My dads wedding was lovely. And the wedding scenery was unique. I loved my dress and was having a fabulous hair day. You know, the really important stuff. We took pictures and had toasts and ate delish food.
We watched the Bellagio fountain countless times. We went to an aquarium. We people watched. We rode a roller coaster. We gambled at the coolest table ever, and spent many hours putting $1 bets on plastic horses running around a track. We walked. And walked. And walked. Like, a lot walking. We decided to take a drive. We rented a car and drove to some park. And we decided on a whim, let’s climb this mountain. We didn’t take a trail. There was no beaten path to the top, or any path for that matter. No weighing of pros and cons. Didn’t even bring a water bottle. We just climbed. And climbed. Guys, it was hard. I was so out of breath. I got scratched. And dirty. And winded. Brother lost his RayBans in a death crack. But the climb up there was nothing compared to the feeling of wonder and wow of reaching the top. I couldn’t even tell you how high it was. But as I sat on the massive red rock top, wind blowing like crazy, hair being whipped around, dirt on my butt, mouth dry from lack of water, you know what I didn’t think about? Sadness. Money. Divorce. Stress. Bills. Weight gain. Awkward conversations. Dating, or lack there of. Heartbreak. Teenage angst.
I just sat with contentment. I was with people who loved me and cared for me and looked out for me. I was able to gaze at a sight that who knows how many other people have ever even looked at. I was able to see, just how vast God creation can stretch out to. And who did he create this for? For me. God knew, that one day I would climb that rock. And I would reach the top and be able to feel humbled and proud and wonder at its beauty and vastness. We sat up there. My two brothers, their significant others and myself. And we didn’t even spend that long up there. We still had to figure out how we would climb down. But all of us had grins on our faces. A beautiful pictures on our phones. And memories that when we got home, we would share with others. It’s moments like this that I remember that life is so effing magical. And worth it. And damn, I’m happy to be alive.
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