Not everyone’s cup of tea

As a single gal in her 30s, there’s a lot to experience. You’re young enough to still want to go out and try new things and drink new beer, to eat truffle fries at the bar with strangers and maybe even will turn a few heads when you walk by men and they see long hair and tight jeans. Yet you’re old enough to know that just because you turn a man’s head, doesn’t make him worthy of your time. To be honest, out of 100 guys I could meet, there’s only about 10 that would peak my interest, 5 I’d give a second date to, and 2 Id be disappointed if things don’t progress towards something more. Now I’m not here to harp on the short coming on men, at least not now. I’m here to just express that it’s hard to fight the feeling of inadequacy when dating. It’s hard when I find a man interesting and attractive and he does not reciprocate. But then I think, there’s prob men who feel the same way about me ya know? Who knows what version of me they have in their mind. Am I cool, fun, and relaxed Julie? Am I rough around the edges, sharp tongued and closed off Julie? Am I saucy and spicy and mysterious Julie? Maybe all of them? Or maybe I’m some version I never intended to be. A perception some may have due to a conversation, a reaction, a facial expression or just a lack of empathy on my part. Now, my normal thought process is to say this: Julie, you are not the special. No one gives a flying F*%k about what you think, feel or what your thoughts about them are. And to be honest, it’s a defense mechanism. And yes, some of it may be true. But truly, I feel like hammering that into my brain only short sells myself. Telling my brain how insignificant I am doesn’t keep me humble. It keeps me small. Why can’t I think of myself and a grand experience of love and laughter? Why should I be convincing myself that I’m less than that? I don’t need to be everyone’s favorite. But telling myself that I am no one’s favorite feels unfair to my inner child. Picturing me spoon feeding to that to her is just heartbreaking.

“Sorry Jules, when you grow up, you’re nothing but background noise”.

Fucking tragic if you ask me.

I may not be everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s alright, cause heaven knows not everyone is mine either. It’s better, in my mind at least, to not be so generic that I fit into everyone’s mold. I’m not some cookie cutter person who fits perfectly in everyone’s life. It’s not a tragedy that I develop a crush on a man and he doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t make him selfish or inconsiderate or wrong. It just makes him not for me. And it makes the relationships that I develop with people that much more juicy and sincere. Knowing that I am not some jar of mints at a take out counter, placed right next to the tooth picks, free for the taking for anyone to have a piece is pretty empowering. And I’d hope that as I do develop a romantic relationship with a man, he’d be able to see that being able turn my attention is a opportunity denied to many. Not because I’m so popular. But because I am discerning about who gets a piece of me. Hopefully he’d be just as discerning, but men are from Mars and it’s different there.

To be honest, it’s hard not to judge men harshly. Especially when I get with my girlfriends and we each share stories about odd conversations, terrible dates, good morning messages and late night make out sessions. Sorry boys, but’s it’s true. Some of of our conversations praise you and our girlfriends with turn green with envy. Other times, they will whistle and shake their head and say under their breath “glad that’s nots me!”. And I’m not so sheltered to think that men prob don’t do the same to us. I take it with a grain of salt and move on.

The thought that my daughter may one day feel less than amazing is heartbreaking. And I know, through the human experience, it’s bound to happen. She will get her heart broken and have bad days and feel crummy. But my job as her mother is to empower her. To teach her that her worth does not lie in those things. It lies in how she views herself. To know that she beautifully and wonderfully made. And then when God was hanging the stars, filling seas and decorating the flowers, arranging weather patterns and coloring in the rainbows, he also had her on his mind. He was crafting her deep brown eyes, her big pillow lips, and her lust for an adventurous life. And she should walk around with this absolute confidence that being herself is enough. Loving herself is enough. Being proud of who she is, following the path that God has set before her and to know that he knew her name before he spoke the universe into existence, that’s how much she matters. And it’s something I need to remind myself as well. Those things I want to teach my daughter, I also need to speak those words to me. To be kind to myself. To be sweet and caring and encouraging. And that as God laid the seeds for grass to cover the earth, he was thinking of me. And he was thinking of you too.

To be honest, meeting people is fun. Platonic and romantic. Each has their ups and downs but I really do enjoy it. I enjoy getting TikToks sent to me. I enjoy friends finally announcing pregnancy news with flourish and smoke and being able to revel in their big news. I enjoy meeting strangers at kickball and at the bar and when I pick up UberEats orders or waving at familiar faces at the coffee shop.

Fun fact, I had to get a tooth pulled the weekend of my birthday. As I’m sitting in the chair with a new dentist I had not yet met, he looks and me and says “you look familiar”. Turns out, he recognized me from frequenting the same coffee shop I go to. Shout out to Smart Bean coffee house!

Anyways, what Im trying to say is that I am starting to see the value in myself. And it’s a slow process. It’s a trickle. And I’m not sure it will ever be more than that. Maybe that’s exactly how is supposed to be. No one changes over night. Most changes happen progressively and I think it’s pretty grand. To know there isn’t a set time I have to be a certain way. Through the slow progress of time, things get revealed. Good and bad. Revelations rarely happen in the light of day. Sometimes it’s when you’ve been staying up late, pondering the meaning of life and finally have some idea that speaks to you at 3 am. I think they happen that way because God knew that we’d run out of our house screaming some obscenity at our new thought process and ending up burning bridges left and right. If you still feel that way in the morning, let the fire of those bridges you burn light your path baby cakes.

Honestly, dating has been fun. It has helped me grow. It has help me to burn off negative thoughts and boost my ego tenfold. Men are fascinating creatures. I have no desire to figure them out, but I do think they keep things interesting. As for me, I’m happy. Happy with the person I am. The person I’ve become. The mom I am. The friend I am. And whatever version of me you have in your mind, I hope you like her too.