Hey what’s happening!?
I decided to write a blog. Im not going to take the time to introduce myself because I don’t think that anyone who doesn’t know me will bother to be reading this. Makes sense right? With that being said, I just want to come out and say it. Life has been cray cray y’all. I can only speak for myself but I’m sure there is a general consensus for most of us that things have been a bit off kilter. 2020 is ruthless! Maybe it’s dooms day. Maybe it’s aliens! Or maybe, stuff just happens. For me personally, my life got flipped-turned upside down (insert Fresh Prince beat here). I don’t really feel like getting into that too much, maybe some other time. I just find myself in a new place, a place I never thought I would ever be. I’m pretty sure with all of life’s “whoopsies!”, there’s usually the feeling of “I never thought I’d be here”. And without getting too personal, (maybe later) I find myself kind of lost but kinda loving it. I have this vast capacity and opportunity to carve a whole new life for myself and my two wonderful kids. To have a blank slate. To be, literally, whoever the heck I want to be. Go where I want to go. Do what I want to do. How many people actually live a life they want to live? I know for me, for the past 12 years, I wasn’t. And there’s a million reasons why but what it all boils down to is:
choice.
I chose that life. Maybe I didn’t realize I did until after, but hey, hindsight is always 20/20. I chose to make myself small. To put myself last. To allow others to sway me in whatever direction best see fit for them. To not have a strong enough direction or even positive self thought to decide that I even had a choice. That I constantly choose other things over myself. Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally thought I was doing the right thing. That as a good wife and mother, putting myself last was a good thing. But what I failed to realize was that eventually, I lost sight of who I was. Of who I wanted to be. I didn’t see myself as a priority. Like, at all. Things are different now. I can see clearer. I can now see that it wasn’t anyone’s job to put me first except my own. It wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make me happy except mine. I didn’t even know this at the time, but I was the one cutting my legs out from under me. Now, here I am, 6 months later, growing new limbs because I hacked the old ones off. It’s hard work. It’s aggravating and I’m very impatient! I want my life to start rolling.
What I’m trying to say, is that I’m no
longer this person who doesn’t have a say in her own life. Whatever the reason for my choices before, it’s in the past. Let’s just be real basic and say it: Live and Learn. Can’t do anything about it. But, you know what I can do now? Whatever the hell I want!
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