Well friends, it’s that time again! You know, around 12:30 am and I can’t sleep and I’ve been browsing TikTok videos for an hour and have a billion thoughts running through my head? Yeah, that’s where we are today. So buckle up butter cup, cause we going for a ride!
There are a few things I’d like to discuss. And if you’re reading this and you have an opinion, let me know!
First, I’d like to discus adulthood. I’ll get straight to the point: Do you all get it? I am constantly wondering if I’m doing it right. Sometimes, I don’t think I am doing it right. I just don’t get IT. I am constantly wondering if I can do better. If I’m missing some major obvious thing that EVERYONE else seems to have but I seem to lack? No, just me? I know that I must give myself a little grace. I’ve only been on my own, with no supervision, for about 2 years, which feels like an eternity but in reality, it’s a blip. Been paying my bills on time, navigating single parenthood and trying to grow a new life from scratch. And maybe it’s because comparison is a thief of joy (Thanks Teddy Roosevelt) but I can’t help but to feel like I’m still behind. Is that a trauma response? Do I lack self esteem? Confidence issue? Is it due to self deprecating thoughts? Or is it because I don’t like broccoli and I should cause I’m an adult and that’s something adults do, they like broccoli, and because I don’t like it, I don’t get my membership to the grown up club? Not sure, but that last thought is a definite contender. I’m starting a club: Adults who don’t like broccoli. Anyways, back to my point. I often wonder if the world could see my life on the inside, Truman Show style, they would see how little I measure up. They would judge me by my lack of concern at the untidiness of my house, about the quality of lunch I pack my daughter, how much screen time I allow, how often I wash my hair, make frozen pizza and even stay up late watching TikToks. Do these things matter? I mean yeah, to a certain extent they do. They don’t measure up everything I am, but they still carry weight, in my opinion. How much weight is yet to be determined. I’ll let you know.
Does anyone else feel like this? Do you feel like you’re constantly one step behind everyone else? I am trying to not beat myself up constantly, but it takes time. And it’s a commitment to see yourself in a positive way. But I just want to let you guys know, I’m trying! And it’s working! There’s a famous poem by Robert Frost, and part of it reads:
“These woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.”
And that’s how I feel about life. I gots a lotta stuff to do before I die, and I’m trying get busy doing them!
Secondly, how do people deal with so much disappointment? Am I just a baby? Again, the thought that I am lacking some innate “thing” that other people possess to not be so disappointed gnaws at me. Maybe my standards too high? Am I thinking about myself or my life in an unrealistic way? It doesn’t feel that way. But then again, if I did, would I even notice? These are the questions that need answering! Here’s the crux of it guys. The root of my struggle. The question I constantly fight with:
Do I deserve great things?
And most of me says Yes! Absolutely!
But.
There’s that small part of me that I can’t seem to squish that tells me, Nah. You aren’t worthy. And I can’t understand why this small voice still holds sway in my life. I have scratched and clawed my way up from massive heartbreak, loneliness, being dead broke, anxiety, and low self worth. So why does the dead weight of this awful thought still linger if I’ve proven over and over again that I am in fact worthy?
And when I look around at my life, I see my amazing accomplishments, the mountains I’ve climbed, the oceans Ive swam and the monsters I’ve fought. But why does this lousy feeling linger? When I lay in bed and I think about my free weekends, and I think about my lack of plans, I can’t help but to feel less. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m trying to be transparent here. I can’t help but to feel that if I really was so great, then people would be climbing all over themselves to make plans with me. Guys would be blowing up my phone to see if I was free for a drink. I’d have to weigh the pros ands cons of cancelling plans because they would be so numerous that there’s no way I could find time for them all. I know. I know it’s unrealistic. I know it’s ridiculous. But that’s what this dark spot in my mind conjures for me and I can’t help but to lean into it sometimes. I can’t help if my feelings get hurt to see someone I care about never make plans to see me. I can’t help if I get sad that I feel like I am lacking this hidden gem that others seem to have found and are greedily hoarding it for themselves. Or maybe I can help it? Ugh, I don’t know. Adulting is hard sometimes.
I know some of these feelings are just layers of long lost hurts that I’ve finally gotten around to dealing with and it’s kicking up the cold muck from the bottom of my mind and blurring my vision and caking the good things I’ve already carved out for myself with doubt. I think I’ve just reached a point where the time it takes to heal these things is a lot longer and the hurts they reveal are a lot deeper. It’s like an infection and I have to maintain my antibiotics, cause if I don’t, they grow resistant and can infect that good stuff. It will grow into a shitty thought tumor that’s hard to kill and can spread. And I’ve come too far too to let my own self deprecating thoughts ruin what I’ve strived so hard to find.
And what I’ve found is myself.
I’m not about to lie down or take a knee or bow out gracefully. Nah. We throwing hands.
So while it’s good for me to recognize and flesh out the not so great feelings, I’m trying to shine some light on my accomplishments as well. I did my taxes all by myself for the 2nd year in a row! Go me! I’ve started planning a summer vacation for the kids and myself. I was a guest on a friends podcast, which was so awesome. I’ve “helped” my daughter with school work while also re-learning how to solve improper fractions. I’ve decided to go the gym again, although I haven’t actually physically gone yet, the thought is still there! And lastly, I bought my very first tickets to see a comedy show in April, which may seem silly to you, but I include this because I always wanted to go to a show, but I end up talking myself out of it and then regret not going. But I did it and I’m going and I’m excited! I guess looking on the bright side isn’t so hard after all. Some gimme my shades, and slap on some sun screen cause I’m out here shining. SPF 150 will do.
Comentarios