Learning to love thyself

From time to time, I get the urge to talk about very personal things. But I live alone and I’m not into making vague Facebook posts and hoping someone will message me and ask. A lot of my friends are busy at the moment and I have felt this feeling brewing in my chest for a few weeks and now it’s at the point of spilling over and I don’t want to wait. So, next best thing to do is expose myself in a public way and write about it in a blog. I always debate on how “real” to get in the blog. I want to be authentic but at the same time, not everything is y’all’s business you know? I want the ability to share parts of myself, to be entertaining, to be informative and maybe, even to be helpful if it resonates, with you. But that doesn’t mean you’re at a point in your relationship with me that you’re privy to the juicy deets now. Anyways, I digress.

The reason I feel these sudden urges to share stuff is because the realization of certain things has finally come to light for me. As time goes on, as I experience new things, the old ways will rear their ugly heads and I have to do battle with my old self. Thankfully, I’m winning. It’s a lot of work sometimes. There’s so many paths before me and sometimes the pressure to choose the correct path is overwhelming. But what I realize now is that I’ve gotten myself this far, what’s one more day? And that’s what helps me press on. When I’m sad, or lonely or disappointed, I remember that the bad days I’ve had are already behind me and I’m sure plenty of bad days ahead of me. But you know what else is in front of me?

L I F E

THIS BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL THING.

This life that we get to live, you and me, on earth at the same time is just amazing.

Anyways, I’m getting off topic. Sorry!

The things that I feel compelled to write about hopefully will be encouraging for you because you’ll get to see the beginning, the middle, then end, and now, a new beginning, all right here. Exciting stuff yeah? Good, I agree too.

The feeling that has been brewing in my brain is the feeling that I am unlovable. And it’s one of those things that I know isn’t true. But it sometimes feels true. How do you combat something like that? Sheer determination?

When I was married, I had this lurking feeling of never being good enough. Whether that’s from my own low self worth or being married to someone who didn’t love me, I don’t know. We would hang out with people and I felt like I was always coming up short of my husbands expectations. Like I was less than these other wives. These other married women seemed to have an edge over me and it made me feel small. It made me feel like my husband married someone who would never measure up and he never contradicted my negative feelings. Now, this is the part I struggle with now: was it really his uncaring attitude and lack of encouragement that made me feel inadequate or was it me, with the poisonous voice in my brain polluting something that was never actually there? Which lead me to have to think, am I really less than than the other women are? What secret thing did they possess that I obviously lack? Which then sheds light on the thought, since I’ve done the work to repair my heart post divorce, am I actually more confident or is it delusion? I trusted my husband, 100%, and in my mind, his word ruled all. I tried to be a good and obedient wife. He was the leader of my house and I had given him everything. And if he couldn’t see the value in me, then my assumption was that it must not exist. If he told me I lacked beauty, grace, comprehension and common knowledge of the world around me…well then it must be true. So now, the struggle is this: am I still this empty, talentless, lackluster, charmless person this man made me feel or am I the strong, smart, talented, and beautiful girl I am trying to paint myself to be? How do you ever really know? How do you know if you’re good enough? Especially if I’m not supposed to put my worth in how others view me, how then do I go about changing the narrative in my own mind?

I think about the awful things he said to me over the years. Most of his nasty words linger in a forgotten haze now. Thankfully they’ve been diluted in a life well lived since divorce. But the feelings they left still cling on, like hitchhikers after walking through tall grass. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since my divorce, and there’s only a handful of guys I have ever even taken more of a passing fancy interest in to be honest. But I sometimes wonder…do they see it too? And not only romantic partners, but everyone in my life. My family? My friends? My boss? Do they see what he saw? Am I delusional?

Like, of course not. But the doubt lingers. And it’s hard to shake. Sometimes I wonder if the doubt is supposed to play a purpose. Kind of like when you pick up an object in a video game and have no idea what’s it’s for until way later in the game when you finally realize what the purpose of this long carried item is. Does it have value, this doubt I carry? Does it add anything? I’m not sure.

You know wants a hard habit to learn? Trusting you intuition. I used to think my intuition was the devil. Not even lying or joking, I used to think the feelings of doubt and dread in my marriage was just the devil trying to rip apart my family. And honestly, it might have been. But devil need not of tried so hard. My ex husband had one foot out the door, 6 years before we even separated. True story, he told me so. But it’s not only trusting your intuition, but actually realizing it’s there to begin with. For me, it was hard to separate fear and intuition. Do you have trouble with this? Like, when trying something new, or meeting new people, a lot of times you’ll have anxiety about it. BUT SOMETIMES the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you intuition is giving you that harsh whisper, GET OUT NOW.

I’ve gone out with a few guys, that when we were sitting there talking on the phone or even having a drink or going to dinner, I knew something was off. Not in a terrible way, but in a “this is never gonna work way”. And sometimes it wasn’t because it was me who didn’t want to see them anymore. A lot of times, it was because I could pick up on the fact that they weren’t really feeling me. But I’d kind of force it. I’d string them along, hoping lightning would strike and Id I feel something more than mild interest. Or the opposite side of that, when I didn’t really hear from them often or they blew me off, I took pride in perseverance. Maybe that has some residual lousy marriage habits sprinkled in there but shhh, let me live my life! But I’d stick around. I’d text back right after hours of silence. I’d send long paragraphs with questions and pretend I wasn’t invested or act like it didn’t give me anxiety to not hear from them for 16 hours and blah blah blah. Know where is got me? Its gotten me hurt by seeking attention from someone who probably wasn’t worth my time. Someone who had no interest in seeing more of me. It led me to hover over my phone, waiting see to their name pop up. It led me to invest in a relationship with a married man. I feel deep shame when I think about that last one. It’s one of my bigger regrets. These unhealthy choices, some I chalk up to they inexperience of dating after divorce, others I have to hide myself when I look the mirror because I knew better. The thing about me believing myself to be unloveable, it makes me crave it so hard that I take it from all avenues. Even ones I have no business being down. Don’t get me wrong, I have a loving family and great friends. Incredible, loving people. But my heart was sick. Its still recovering. The work I’ve done to help heal from a loveless, neglected marriage into a world where I am in total control of who has access to me has been tough. But I’m working at it. I’ve gotten loads better than I was before. I’m sure a year from now I’ll look back and think of how far Ive come. And hopefully one day, I’ll know just how lovable I actually am. Hopefully the next overflow of things brewing in my chest will be of how much more I’ve learned and grown since this post. And to tell you not only about how much love I am able to receive, but how much I am able to give. And Ive never struggled with being able give love away to others. But I’ll have learned about how much love I am able to give to myself.