I don’t usually post about being stressed. Not on my FB. Not on my Instagram. Not because I’m worried about what others will think necessarily. I think it’s because I dont want want anyone to worry about me. I’m an independent person. I take pride in all I’ve accomplished. In what I’ve over come. In what I’ve built for myself. Was it difficult? Uh, yes. Did I drop the ball? More times than I can count. Did I give up? Maybe a time or two. The point Im making is that I’ve been stressed y’all. Im trying to be transparent about it. To flesh it out. Not hide it away. It needs air to breath and hopefully it will find its way out. Fingers crossed!
Something that I’ve recently discovered about myself is that I don’t handle stress well. I tend to kind of cave in on myself. My life comes to a crawl and I have a hard time focusing on anything. My laundry pile grows. The dishes remained uncleand and have caked on food. Floor collects dust bunnies. Bed never get made. I don’t wash my hair, shave my legs or even cook dinner for myself. Thankfully the stress only last for a few days. I usually find time to shower and brush my hair once or twice, cause I do have to go out in public. The thing I’m trying to bring to life in this post is that I need to find a healthier was to handle my stress. There’s been a bunch lately. Kids. House. Money. Relationships. Work. All of it. All at once. My heart keeps getting tossed around like a marble in a bottle and I’m trying to catch my breath here. My eating habits plummet. My self care routine evaporates. My sleep diminishes. My give-a-damn gets busted and I say to hell with the consequences. It’s not great. I then have to spend the next few days cleaning up the mess that my reluctance to take part in my life has created. Which makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I am unable to live a healthy life as a functioning adult. Which I know isn’t true. That’s just my inner demon whispering my fears to me. Clouding my vision. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I’m all about how big my life has become. How enthusiastic I have become about it. Living is fun. God created in me a heart for adventure and chaos and romance and I’ll be damned if the sad small part of me gets to overrule all the progress I’ve made. Ive planted seeds of life in my garden and now I get to walk amongst the trees.
Sometimes, I have to stop. Literally and figuratively. I have to make no plans. Or make plans to do nothing. To stay home, clean, and rest. Maybe make food for myself. Go in my beautiful back yard more than once a month. Watch the sunset. Watch the Olympics. Eat ice cream. Rent a movie. Nap.
I have to manage my thoughts and tell the bad thoughts that they may get to be there for the time being but there is no vacancy for them in my mind. The more upset I feel, the more my body feels the weight. And it’s a sign from my physical self that I need a break. I’m pretty hard on myself. I blame myself for a lot. I tend to over think and sometimes I overshare. And then I leave and have stress of “did I say too much?”. Uggghhhh why do I do this to myself? I never knew self care was so much work! Or maybe it only feels like a lot of work because my enthusiasm for it is gone at the moment. One of the things that helps me is that maybe this is a season in my life for change. For stress and heart break. To be frazzled and weighed down. In the Bible, in book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 3, there’s a few verses that talk about the seasons we go through. It says is 3:2-4 -
2
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4
a time to weep and a time to laugh.
And so on and so forth. The books author is unknown, but it is believed to have been written by Solomon, the wisest man to have ever lived. And it gives me comfort to know that these things are needed in life. Tough times are needed. Not only to get to the good times. I think bad times serve a purpose. I think they awaken us to things lacking in our life. They wake us to complacency. They shine a light on the dusty corners in our life that have collected mountains of dust and debris . They show us the fallacy in our way of thinking. They bring forth emotions to produce movement that is needed. God prunes the branches of our lives so that we can bear fruit. And it’s rarely pleasant. I dont know what this season my life is trying to teach me. I feel like I’ve been going through a tough season for awhile. And I’m grateful for it. My life before was a barren desert, devoid of life and color. I was empty vessel, who basically was a husk of a person. It was heart break, betrayal, and life altering events that caused movement. And that movement created friction. And the friction woke me up.
I’m not a philosophical person. I don’t dwell too much anymore of the why’s and how’s. But I’m not one of those people who say
“It is what it is”. <—- BTW, I hate this saying.
People say “Life is what it is”. Nah homie, Life is what you make it.
My kids will be leaving for 2 weeks before school starts. And I’m sad to think of spending so much time alone. I don’t do well without the structure of having their routine in place. I tend to be flaccid and tired. But, now that I have this knowledge that I tend to just let time pass me by, I’m going to attempt to make something great while they are gone. I’m going to create movement. What exactly am I gonna do? No idea. But am I still gonna try? Absolutely.
My heart has taken a little bit of a bruising lately. Things that I’ve been so sure about, suddenly, I ain’t so sure. I mean, I think that’s been a theme in my life for awhile now. I’ve had to make some choices for myself that hurt. Had to have hard conversations. Humbling realizations. Second guessing, obsessive and agonizing. I’m not this person though. I’m not someone who dwells usually. And I’ve found myself dwelling. But I think it’s because for this first time, I realize my worth. And I realize my strengths. And I realize that this decision is mine to make. And there’s power in that. It’s terrifying, to be sure. These choices are mine to make and that means I get all the glory. But it also means I take the full responsibility of when things go south. It’s scary sometimes. So these hard conversations that had to happen, they happened because I brought it up. I caused the stir. I dialed the number and spoke the words into the world, instead of them rattling around in my mind. Was it hard? Oh goodness yes. Was I sad? Very much so. But what I’ve realized about myself, through all the stress, heartache and loss? That it’s all mine to make. And I take the good with the bad. So after this season is over and there’s flowers growing in my garden again, I can look out at the colors of my life with a happy heart. And know, I created this.
Kommentare