Life is absolutely beautiful. I mean it. Even the lousy parts, are stunning in my opinion. I know I’ve said it before but I see the greatest growth in the low spots of my life. I’m having a bit of a low moment today. Been trying express myself. I’ve been trying to write a blog recently and I’ve started about 3 or 4 but they are missing something. Heart maybe? Purpose? Idk. I just was not satisfied with them. Hence, no blog post. Till today, obviously.
You know what, it’s more than a low feeling. I feel crummy. It’s lousy. The human experience is a mixed bag. I’ve been feeling stagnant lately. Feeling this need to move but lack of direction. Motive is there. But motive to do what exactly is like a dream that when you wake, fades as soon as you think of it.
Something I have realized about myself is that I am totally capable of lousy behavior. Not even with the intent to be lousy. But lack of consideration is lousy just the same. I’ve been preaching about creating this new life for myself, bettering myself, growing a new sense of self and a new dream and then WHAM! The consequences of my actions smack me in the face. Peoples feelings get hurt. My own selfish actions have a cascading affect and then everything goes sideways. Growing sometimes mean being hit with a sucker punch of your own doing. Or lack of doing. Things that I didn’t realize about myself, crummy things that I have yet to encounter, have been slowly following and crouching behind me and suddenly, they sprang forth and covered me like a blanket. It’s hot under here. And suffocating. And I feel like I’m stuck in this rotten feeling, all due because I made dumb choices, and hurt other peoples feelings and the notion that I am just as crappy as ever lingers. And at the moment, I can’t see past it. All I see is the crummy, selfish and inconsiderate actions of myself.
How can I of come so far already only to realize I still have so far to go? I feel like I have finally made the decision to cross the ocean. I get in my boat, and row and row and row and fight through the waves and exhaustion and pain in my arms. I’ve finally made it far enough that I can no longer see the shore I started from. But now I’m in the middle of the vast ocean, miles of blue in every direction. The main motivation to cross is a memory now. But I still need to get across right? I can’t stay here. But my rowing had slowed. And I can’t really remember where I wanted to go when I was rushing to the open water. I’m tired. And cranky. And I feel like I’ve lost sight of who and where I want to be. I feel like I’ve finally ran out of space where there was somewhat of a path presented before me. No gut feelings to go on now. No old trails to blaze through. Just wild space in front of me. Now I’m presented with a choice: To sit and settle here? Or make a path where there is no path? Sure, not Im as far as I wished I could be, but far enough now that I’ve made a difference. I’ve made myself proud right? But I think pride, as with scars, fade over time. Still visible and the memory exists, but the power they once carry goes away over time. And while I may be slower in my movement, I know this isn’t where I want to set up camp. This can’t be it for me. Am I to settle for just enough? To live like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite and relive the past and sell Tupperware? Or do I want to conquer my fears, slay my demons, and face the hard stuff, even when the hard stuff is of my own doing? And the answer to that, is yes. Only death is the end of possibility. And I’m not dead yet. I’ve been trying to think about ways to learn. Learn how to be a better parent. A better money manager. A better friend. And I’m still learning. But the only way to get better, is to LIVE. Sure, reading, studying, and observing has its benefits but at the end of the day, if I don’t get out and live it, then WHATS THE POINT? I can read about sky diving, watch videos and even talk to people who have done it before. But what’s the point of all of that if I don’t get my butt in the plane and jump out?
I think most of my needs not being met in my adult life has been to fear. Fear of speaking up. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of seeming incompetent. Fear of realizing that I am not enough. And you’d think it would motivate me to be better, but in reality, it’s convinced me to stay small. Keep with my small potatoes, good ol’ tried and true techniques, small relationships and I’ll never have to fear anything. But why would I do that?
I’ve been trying to be brave. But even realizing that fear is what stops me is not enough to make a difference. I feel like life has to show you. And not even all at once. It shows you in stages. Ever been sitting there, thinking about something and all of a sudden, boom, you’re hit with an epiphany and suddenly you see things so clear. And you think, “why didn’t I see that earlier?” And the answer to that is, you weren’t able to. I think about the way that I felt when I first separated from my ex husband. And to be honest, the way I feel right now sort of mimics that. But I remember feeling like I’ll never be better. I’ll never get over this. I’ll be sad forever. I couldn’t see it. I tried for many months to feel better and think differently.
And then one day, I woke up and the realization that I felt better was there. And I was able to look back at the big faults in my failed marriage and see them for what they were. Some were bombshells that shook me to the core. Some were just ignorance. Some were things I chose to ignore. Whatever the reason I didn’t see them before doesn’t matter. I can see them now, but only because I had distance from them. Perspective matters y’all.
Maybe my perspective needed a good kick in the butt. Which is maybe why I have felt so crummy the last last few days. My perspective was all jarbled up and life has a nice way of keeping us humble. I’m definitely tasting humble pie today. I’m feeling blue, but it’s alright. Hard conversations were had. Outcomes I didn’t wish for executed. But I’m still here. And maybe the optimism I usually have will return in a few days. But until then, Netflix, napping and TikTok are my companions. Good thing about feeling lousy though is that when the feeling finally starts to leave, it’s a noticeable, palpable difference and I can’t wait to feel the elephant off my chest one again.
I remember a few years ago thinking that I had done growing. I felt like I had reached a point and I was already done with growth and didn’t have much else to learn. And if I had been in a healthy marriage, it’s possible I could of grown. But I’m not a person who dwells on the past usually. Can’t change it. And you all I know I will never settle with “it is what it is”. So now that I’m post divorce and living my lovely life, I realized that I was a seedling. Tiny and small but not weak. Just young, so to speak. I’ll turn 35 in a few months and I feel like I have had to relearn things about life that I maybe should of known already. But, C’est la vie. But honestly, I’m glad that I at least have the opportunity to grow. I don’t want live in a small place, and when days like this come around and I’m feeing blue, I can know that this feeling isn’t forever. And that it serves a purpose. It shows me the areas that I still need work. And triggers to work on. And behaviors to try to outgrow. Truth is, I’m not a sapling anymore. I’m the whole dang enchilada baby. So I have to remind myself that even when my vision is cloudy and I feel rotten inside, life is still so beautiful.
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