Hooray for today

Today was a good day. Today I went to a friends house for her sons birthday party.

This family that I shared my day with is my second family. My brother even married into it! By saying they are my second family, I mean I can show up, uninvited to anyone’s house and will be greeted as a welcome guest. I come over for holidays, birthdays and often times, just because. I have known them since I was 15 years old. I’m 33 now. That’s a long time y’all!

Today was special, at least in my mind, because it was at a house that before today, when any of these family events happened, I had gone to with my now ex-husband.

Now, this post isn’t about him. Let’s just get that out of the way. But he does have to be mentioned. The reason he does is because our divorce is fairly new.

Coming and celebrating this little boys birthday was special. Not only because this family is important to me, but because it was the first time I was there alone. Truly alone. And it really was bitter sweet. I found myself happy. Laughing, joking, sharing our time together, and genuinely grateful to have friends who care so much for me. We played volleyball, sang happy birthday and had wonderful conversations.

As the sun was setting, I was sitting on the dock in the back yard, dangling my feet in the dark lake water, watching a gorgeous sunset. And I felt a pang. It wasn’t a pang of regret. I wouldn’t exactly call it painful. But it wasn’t pleasant. I just felt this anxiety that felt as though I was shedding off a piece of myself but it’s left me exposed. To be in such a familiar place and feel like it was new. I can’t place my finger on where the heartbreak ended and the new me began. Maybe it will feel like this forever?

The weight of disappointment I carry with me feels like it will be my companion and burden to bare for the rest of my life. I’ve never been divorced before. How do I know?

After awhile of being on this dock, taking pictures of my feet with a sunset background, it seemed to help with the anxiety. Friends came by and took silly pictures with me. I watched my kids play and swim in the last orange and pink light of the setting sun. My fingers were sticking from a popsicle that melted as I ate it.

And the truth came to me, seeping into me like tea in hot water. It may not feel better now. But it will one day. Just as now I can think about things that when my life first came to a crashing halt had caused me to cry and destroy my day, I find only interrupt my peace for a small while.

I sat with this feeling for awhile. I made space for it. Then I got up and joined my friends for birthday presents. That’s what I’ve been trying to do more frequently. Sit with my rotten feelings and then move on. They are apart of me. Will they leave? I don’t know. I may carry them around like a scar. I just won’t let the weight of them shape me into something I don’t wish to be. So hooray for beautiful sunsets and 2 year old birthday parties.

Happy birthday Lukey!