The other night I went out with two of my very good friends to a 24-hour cuban restaurant. This place is definitely a locals spot, and its charm shines through. Our server was fabulous, even though we were 3 people who are not exactly fluent in spanish, and him, confessing, he was still learning English, we managed to get through anyways. As I was sitting there with my gfs and we were discussing the various cuss words we knew in spanish, I felt light for the first time in awhile. I’m sure the company had something to do with it, but I didn’t realize I hadn’t felt that way until that moment. As I was driving home, I didn’t have any negative thoughts about my day. No lingering emotions of doubt. And it made me realize that sometimes we don’t see the shadows and we don’t even realize they were there until they aren’t there anymore. Same goes for a lot of things. Rocky friendships, lousy jobs, crippling self doubt and lastly, less than stellar romantic partners. Now don’t get me wrong. I haven’t been sad or mad or upset or hiding a huge amount of heartbreak from anyone. I’ve been riding this wave of sunshine for quite sometime. But I didn’t realize that I was constantly looking toward the horizon for the next killer wave to ride. It was the first time I had felt preset in awhile. It’s times like these that I’m able to remove my hands from covering my eyes as take a longer look at my life. I feel braver in these moments. Like when I see all the holes and mistakes and things I shoulda, coulda, woulda done better. It makes me strong enough to withstand the cringe of it all. But I’m getting more and more comfortable with the cringe. Fear sometimes grips me by the throat and tells me how ridiculous I am to think I could be happy. But you know what helps me in these moments? Sitting at a cuban restaurant with my girlfriends, taking food pictures, leaning in and lowering our voices, looking from side to side to say the dirty spanish word our coworker taught us, raising our eyebrows and laughing when it’s translated for the group.
That’s the good stuff.
I’m not sure why it’s always such a struggle to believe that I actually have the audacity to be happy. Full transparency here, for the longest time, I believed happiness was meant for other people, not for me. It’s still a struggle if we’re all aboard the honesty train here. I have to overcome the thought of “that’s what you get for thinking you deserved happiness” when things don’t go my way. Am I too ambitious for wanting to be filled with joy? To have satisfaction in my life? Does this happen for you too? Am I that self depreciating that I think I only deserve happiness in half measure?
The problem I have with the “happy me” thought it is that I have to believe it, even if I don’t feel it. I have to believe that I deserve good things, even when I get dumped, or forgotten, or if I’ve failed. It’s my job to resurrect myself. No one whispering nice words in my ear, no one leaving motivational notes for me to find on the mirror, no one to kick my keister into gear when I get down. I have to fight the soul sucking demons of doubt, the lonely creature of old habits who wants me to stay in the lonely place with them, watching reruns of lame stories.
One of the cool things about being a human is the we can change. At any time. We aren’t ruled by our animal instinct to only behave in a certain way our entire life. We can literally decide we want something new and do it. It may take time to get better or to achieve but it’s 100% possible. Neat huh? It may seem like a no brainer for you but it’s a relatively new idea to me.
Unhappy? Then make a change. Unsatisfied? Change. Fed up? Unloved? Disrespected? Leave. You don’t have to stay in a sour spot. Just be ready for avalanche of doubt and anxiety and naysayers. Oh boy, you will be fighting off so many things trying to change your mind, cripple your growth and hinder your progress. Even your own mind freaks out. Tells you you’re making a mistake. Grapples with fear and clings to it like a buoy.
The reason I bring this up is because I’ve realized that I have built up a bit of a bad habit. A small reputation if you will. And that bad habit is to trash talk. Not in a terrible way. But in a feisty way. And while it is absolutely part of my personality, I don’t want it to be the first thing people think of when they think of me. I do believe it started out as a defense mechanism. I’ve built up this tough skin, this rough exterior to keep my heart from being broken. I needed high walls to heal. I had to cultivate this aggressive front to keep the bad vibes at bay.
And it worked. Almost too well.
Now, I have the issue of trying to tame it. Which is what I’m trying to do now. I don’t mind saving the best parts of me for the people who love and care for me. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. Im not sure I’ll ever be that girl again. But I think what I’ve done is make people feel like they have the earn a spot on my good side. It’s not hard to be my friend, at least in my mind, but I think when I open my mouth, instead of being charming, out comes chaos. I have literally slapped my hand over my mouth to stop the word vomit from pouring out. I think part of it is because I am trying desperately to avoid people taking a closer look at my life and seeing the glaring fuck ups that puncture it. I’m giving away all my roses just so you won’t see the weeds growing in my garden.
I’m not a person who is afraid to try new things. But what I am afraid of is failing. Which is contradicting I know, cause when you try new things, you’re never good at it at first. What I have to remember is that the point of my life, and a point I want to convey to myself, to my kids, and maybe even to you, is not to be flawless. It’s to live my life, a good life, along with my flaws. Despite them. Including them. To be okay with who I am. And if there’s something about me that I don’t like or want or am not proud of, I want to convey that it’s okay to change things about me that no longer fit. So while being extra spicy for awhile helped me, I feel like its no longer what I want for myself. I am allowed to be different than I was before. I am allowed to change my mind. My habits. My thoughts. My opinions. My friends. My job. Myself.
I think what I’m learning about myself and about my life is that its okay to ask for more. To want more. And to actually admit that I want more. To realize that what I had before isn’t enough. Or no longer serves me. It doesn’t make me greedy or icky or insatiable. It’s makes me a human who has grown. And if I never ask for more, how will I ever get it? And the first person I need to ask more from is myself.
I called my ex husband a few weeks ago to tell him that even though our divorce wrecked me, I’m glad we aren’t together anymore. This call wasn’t to shame him. It was to thank him. To thank him for ending our marriage. And I say this because I know from the bottom of my heart, I never would have. I would have made myself smaller and smaller. I would have tucked and squished and hid my feelings of discontent so far down and deep that I wouldn’t know why I walked around so blue. I wouldn’t know that my life could be beautiful and fun and free. I would have stayed in a place that did not serve me, made me feel ugly, unloved and unsatisfied. Not because I wanted to. But because I believed I had to. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear and many other feelings plagued me. And never realizing that I did actually have a choice and a say in my life. I called to tell him thank you for being brave enough to pursue his own happy life. Because it allowed me to pursue my own. And oh, what a beautiful life it is. While I wouldn’t recommend divorce to anyone, I know that we never would have been happy together. Not in any real way. We would have faded to gray. And it may of lead to much uglier things. It’s weird to be grateful for something that broke me. While it may of wrecked my heart, it definitely cleaned my vision. And now I’m seeing 20/20. 24/7, 365.
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