I’ve had en epiphany. I’m all about self love, as you may know. But I feel like I’ve finally brought to the surface my problem with that mentality: how much is too much? Like, what’s the border between healthy and narcissistic? How much value should I place on myself before it becomes unreasonable? Maybe it’s cause I had a bad day yesterday. But sometimes, using “self love” as a reason to be selfish just comes off as, well, selfish. But then as I think about it more, I start to think, is that just unhealthy thinking creeping back up? I used to think of myself as worthless. Lack luster. Little to no value. I genuinely thought the whole “self love” thing was a bunch of sad, selfish people who blamed the world on their problems and were looking for an excuse to give themselves a pep talk. See how toxic our thoughts can be? I am sometimes my own worst enemy. Sometimes, I have to lay my thoughts aside, and let the whirlwind of my toxic mind wage war with itself. I put down the barrier I use to keep my thoughts in check, for small period of time, and let the fury of my mind cut itself to ribbons. Eventually, my mind will tires itself out. It gets tired of trying to convince me of my own self worth, or lack there of, good vs evil. Both sides stand there, bent over, heaving from exhaustion, swords in hand, leaning on the wall.
I think self love is incredibly important. Having good and loving people around is equally important. But when you’re laying in the dark of your bedroom and there’s no friend to give you a pep talk, and there’s just the ooze of heartbreak and failure seeping out of the over flow of your mind? That’s when you need it. And the reason I say practice is because you need to train yourself to do it. Self love is a task. And it definitely needs to be trained and practiced and built upon, like any good exercise, to be done well. It sounds so simple: “Just love yourself”. But as most of us know, it ain’t so simple.
So I start small. First thing I do isn’t very profound. It’s simple: I google the ever loving ish out of how to feel better. And thankfully, others who have gone through hard times are generous enough to share how they over came it. It sounds so silly but when you put yourself to a task, then there’s something to delve into instead of the endless abyss of your treacherous mind.
Ohhhh for the mind is surely treacherous. Have no doubt. Doubt and despair will knaw away at the shield you’ve built and sliver it’s way up the tiny crevasses of weakness to pollute your thoughts.
Say it with me now…PRACTICE SELF LOVE. And you must practice to get better. How? Google. Podcasts. Download Apps. Therapy. Go outside. Meet people. Chop down a tree. Clean your closet. Pluck your eye brows. Exercise. Paint your nails. Lift weights. Get a hair cut. Join a club. Plan a vacation. Get a new job. Invest in your relationships. Adopt a dog. Learn a skill. Go back to school. Devote time to yourself. Fall in love with you life again.
Cause it’s your responsibility to feel better. No one else’s. Not your spouse. Or partner. Or best friend. Or kids. Or job. Or therapist. And it’s kind of awesome to be honest. Cause you get to do stuff that you actually want to do for once in your life. At least that’s what it feels like for me.
There’s a season for everything. Not a reason, but a season. *Side note, I’m not a person who thinks “everything happens for a reason..”
Anyways, read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. Solomon talks about the seasons we may go through.
Something’s may be necessary now but wont be necessary forever. And honestly, the healthier you are to yourself, the more trust you will have in yourself to tell when it’s time to leave something behind. The more firm you’ll be in you decisions. And when your gut tells you something, you’ll be brave enough to follow it. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it’s sad. You’ll lose people and friends and beliefs that you’ve always had. But it’s the trust you build in yourself that helps you. By practicing self love, you will learn more of what you need. You’ll start to notice when your cup is empty. And also when you cup is full. I was talking with a friend a few days ago. And she was talking about how she has a new relationship with a man, that although nothing romantic or sexual has happened between them, she feels this amazing connection. She spoke about her previous relationships and how they felt good but some how this new relationship feels more fulfilling. And it brought up a thought for me that while we have other cups that someone may fill, if they aren’t filling the right ones you’re never going to feel satisfied. It’s like if you have an itch on your back. You can give me a hug, or kiss my cheek or give me a foot massage. But until the itch gets scratched, it’s not going to be enough.
Why do some people just fill our cups better than others? No freaking clue. But it’s true.
And to be honest, I think it’s why it’s good to have great people in your life. Because it’s impossible for one person to fill all our needs. Having a bouquet of friends is a gift that is very hard to cultivate. Grow your tribe. Love them hard! And be brave enough to allow them to love you in return!
Ok, some transparency time.
I have a hard time letting people do nice things for me. I have a hard time allowing friends to pay. Or help me out. Or do me favors. A friend of mine tried to buy my dinner the other day and I didn’t let him. Why? There was no ulterior motive. Why am I such a pain in the ass? I think it’s due to fear to be honest. Fear of appearing like I am incapable. *Shudders* I know that my friends don’t see me this way.
And to be really, really, really transparent, I need a ton of help. I struggle with many things. Doubt. Dread. Fixing things around my house. My car needing repairs. My kids needing things from me that I am unable to provide. Budgeting. Raising a dumb teenager. All these things I could always use help with. But I’ll never ask. Fear tricks me into needing to appear like it’s all together. And anxiety that anyone will find out that I couldn’t do it all by myself. I am actively trying to be better. I should wear one of those signs “Confront me if I don’t ask for help”.
I’m trying to be more approachable. I’m trying to be less on an impenetrable fortress. I know I’ve built this up giant tower. But I’m no Rupunzel. I don’t let my hair down for anyone. But it’s a learning process. For me to let anyone in. For me to allow anyone to help me. Or even care about me. God forbid I let someone actually love me. I feel like I ran so fast in the “be independent” direction that now I’m in a place I never intended. But the journey to self discovery is sometimes retracing your steps. I may come across a familiar path and find a familiar part of myself I left behind. Like a molting of an old snake skin. And maybe I’ll always carry old parts about me forever. They are still me. Just an old me. And I’m okay with the memory of who I was when I wore that skin. Finally okay with it. Scales and all.
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