Choices

You wanna know how many drafts to this post I’ve started? At least 4.

I keep trying to be articulate and witty and typing up words like smooth talking scholar. After 20 mins of writing, it all feels a little lack luster. I don’t want my blog posts to be an after school special. The drafts I’ve composed recently have some cute little quips, but they just doesn’t seem to want to carry the essence of what I want to say. If you’re reading this now, you’ll know this version made then cut!

So, what is it exactly I’m trying to say? As I’ve said in previous posts, this blog is a way for me to help my brain filter out the junk and try to screen through the BS of life, love, and limb, and to peel back the covering for a glimpse of what is really happening. To help me to take a closer look at my reasonings, my feelings, and how my actions and thoughts have the majority of influence over my life. I can be influenced by things all day, but ultimately, it’s up to me what I do with my life. I can’t help what happens to me. But I can help what direction I take after these events. I can help my choices. I can help my actions. My words are my choice. My eating habits, my Instagram algorithms, and my Netflix recommendations are all influenced by my own choices.

I know you have heard me say it 100x.

I don’t like the phrase “it is what it is”.

G. T. F. O. O. H. W. T. S.

It is what you make it. And I make all my own choices now. Praise Jesus.

I know I have become kind of severe in my feelings with certain things.

It helps and it hinders. It helps because it helps me to clarify certain things. Certain actions and reactions. Certain efforts given or not given. Words spoken or words choked back. I used to be gray all over. Now I’m a little bit more black and white. Which makes me laugh cause this exact things is something I used to pride myself on, being so middle ground. If I had to pick a color to describe my choices before, it would be the color of a manila folder. Useful. Practical. Can fit into anyones cabinet. Generic in size, taste and texture. I used to be proud of this. But as of now, I have become a bit sharper in my mind and in my heart.

It also hinders because I feel like it’s much harder to trust anyone now. It’s harder to not be upset when they don’t keep their word, if they don’t follow through with plans, or make only minimal effort. Is this the result of being so completely absent minded of the actions of others because I got married young and always relied on someone else to make the hard choices? Possibly.

Is it because now that I am 100% on my own, I am much more aware of the dangers of the world? More likely.

Point is, I am responsible for everything that happens in my life now, good and bad. I cringe when I make mistakes, and beat my chest when there’s a victory.

Life is full of a million different paths to take. Y’all know I’m not one to dwell. At least not about everything. Many things that I dwell upon I keep bottled up. Sometimes it scares me to think that if people actually knew how often I think of things, scenarios, pretend outcomes and make believe conversations they would think I am bananas. Thinking about it now, I guess I do dwell a lot. I just don’t share the things I dwell on. I keep those things locked up tight, because if they were expressed, then people would know that I cared more than I said and then Id have to walk around with shame and the crummy knowledge that what I wanted was not given to me and someone else knows I’ve failed. It’s embarrassing. It hurts. And I’m tired of hurting. So I guess I’d rather just suffer and keep my hopes and wishes a secret until I’m brave enough to let them be known. Look at me, filtering through the bullshit of life, right here through these words. I like to think I’m brave. But I guess I’m not? I feel like I’ve made leaps and bounds compared to how I was before. But honesty, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle now, with no wind to carry me forward. Every step is a struggle. And I’m doing it. I’m going. I’m making progress. It’s just slow and hard and ugly. I’m not longer running through a field with flowers in my hair, a long ribbon in my hand trailing behind me. Sun shining. Bare foot. Sun kissed.

It’s more of a crawl and it’s hot and I’m sore, and tired, with grass stains on my knees and my nail polish chipped.

So where does that leave me now? Is this the part where I get a new idea, a new revelation or some undiscovered optimism that’s been hiding from me? I don’t know. I can’t beat myself up too much. My kids started school and I paid for almost everything myself, with the assistance of my saint of a mother in law. That’s something to be proud of.

I took the kids on a beach vacation a few weeks ago. I planned. I saved. And I even invited family to come and spend these few days with me. Do you know the pride that comes a long with watching my son skim board on the beach in the sunset? To watch my daughter kneel on the sand and scoop shells in her hand to find the perfect one? Ouffff DO YOU KNOW??? Thinking about it now as I type this up brings a tear to my eye because that’s something that I created. I paved that road. Not only for them. But for me too. It’s been a few weeks and I’m still peeling like a lava lizard from the 3 day sun burn from that trip. Thankfully in much less

noticeable places than when I first got back. Truthfully, I’m not sure what the main point of this blog post was. Maybe to help calm

my brain with the relentless thoughts of living life? Will it always be this way? Who knows. Hopefully one day I’ll look back and smile to remember these feelings of uncertainty, of the choices I made now as a 35 year old single parent. I really like the knowledge that I have more control over my life than I previously considered. I hope all this power doesn’t go to my head! Watch out now!