Capeesh?

Why is it that when I feel an ache in my chest, all I wanna do is write and tell the world about it in my blog? Is it cause I have the compulsion to share cause it needs to get out and I know that I won’t say a peep to anyone in person? Maybe. I used to be an open book but lately, I think I’ve switched sides. I don’t share much about myself anymore. At least not in any real way. So when I’m sad, or mad, anxious, or worried, I don’t hide them away from myself, but I definitely hide it away from the world. But not from you, my dear friend and blog reader. It helps, because I don’t have to worry about the world knowing about embarrassing or humiliating or hurtful things. But it doesn’t allow much room for growth now does it? Now that I’ve cleared my life of the hurts and concerns of other things, what is the priority? My image or my heart?

I guard these feelings with knives and fire and gnashing teeth. I keep them under lock and key. I puff up my cheeks and pound on my chest and have a razor sharp tongue to cut anyone to ribbons if they even attempt to encroach on my softer feelings. I can almost physically feel the knots tighten in my chest when I feel the anxiety of life not going how I’d wish it would. I can hear the sound of the ropes tightening and straining. My heart constricts and I feel the urge to shut down. To hide it away. I get a tingly feeling in my finger tips. A physical reaction to my inner emotions. It’s something I’ve never taken notice of before. But I’m starting to realize that as much as I spew about how healthy I’ve become, I can still see that I have much to learn.

Growing and repairing the broken version of yourself is great. Being the Pinterest approved, Instagram version of yourself is grand. But the sticky part of all of that growth is you become aware of other things. Feelings, reactions, thought patterns, hard won beliefs, and concrete truths that maybe ain’t so concrete anymore. What version of me is the actual me? Or, an even better question, is what I thought I wanted, actually what I want?

Ah, there’s the good stuff.

See, I knew there was something positive that came from sharing the hard stuff with y’all.

So what is it that I actually want?

For awhile now, I’ve felt that the only thing that was missing that I couldn’t create for myself was a romantic partner. After being in the wrong relationship for over a decade, I’ve come to realize that there is most definitely a wrong person for you. Probably more than one. There is a very big difference between what we want and what we accept.

And here’s the thing: I’m not here to win 2nd place. I want the best. The crème de la crème. The whole enchilada. I know what I want in a partner. And through trial and error, I think I’ve become brave enough to tell others what it is and not settle for less.

But then, why do I still settle for less? It’s a mystery. I’ve had a few relationships that fell through due to me not being accepting of others, a few fall through due to me not being brave enough to ask for what I want, or accepting less than what I deserved. But the last two or three people I’ve taken an interest in, things did not work out due to…what exactly? I’m not even sure. I know dating is a lot of trial and error but I think I see what the common denominator is:

It’s me.

I feel like there is some flaw that I can’t seem to see or grasp that when I let a man get through my defenses, they see me and decide, eh, not for me. Very flattering. And I know that I won’t be for everyone. And not everyone will be for me. Still, can’t help but to feel like there’s something innately wrong with me.

And during the last few months I’ve been trying to trim and measure and fold and plant and grow and slice the parts of me that no longer fit. I think I’ve been doing a decent job. Yet, others still find me lacking?

Bruh.

In my former life, I had a false sense of security. I thought my supposed elevated status of a married person meant I would always have someone who chose me. Even on my worst days. And that everyone around me would see me as a chosen person and see I had value. This was a foolish belief, yes, and I see its fallacy. But it was still there. And those type of beliefs are deep rooted. And once it was revealed that I was no longer my ex-husbands choice? I felt like I lost all my value. And, even though I KNOW it’s not true, it still feels true.

So, knowing all these things, where does that leave me? In a constant state of how I’ve been feeling lately: Am I where I want to be? And I guess the answer is, sort of? Like, I’m on the right track, but it feels like maybe in the wrong race. Have you ever felt this way? Am I the only one who feels like I’m never gonna get there? What do you do is this situation? Cause I always feel like I’m one step behind. What am I missing? If you know, please tell me. Tell me your secret recipe! A 10 page, front and back, double spaced, full tutorial with highlighted parts for extra emphasis. Not asking for a lot, just the absolute best. Capeesh?