Honestly, I feel like lightning something on fire at the moment. I find myself itching with this need to say things and cause havoc. Maybe it’s only havoc for me but still. Will I post this when I'm done? Idk. But right now, I feel like writing like no one is going to read it. Sometimes I read my blogs and feel like it's muted with underlying things. I cross my fingers and hope someone will be able to read between the lines. But why should I have to conceal what I'm actually thinking? To preserve what exactly? Do I have some stellar reputation I'm trying to protect by being polite, articulate, and politically correct? Maybe. But I’m feeling a little feisty, so to hell with it.
People ask me what do I want.
And for a long time, I couldn’t decide. Or I just didn’t have the audacity to say what I wanted. But I’m tired of pretending like I’m okay with not getting what I want because I didn’t ask for it.
You know what I want? I want to be happy. Why does it feel so cringy to admit that? I have no idea. And I’m not delusional into thinking that I won’t have problems, or worries or heart break. But I feel like I have to hold my tongue and conceal this ache in my chest at times when I feel sad or unhappy. I want be happy and not feel the need to apologize for it. In whatever capacity I am utilizing to get there. Not in an unhealthy way. But in a way that isn’t confined by what I used to believe was my reality. I don’t want to feel like I need to make myself small to fit into some imaginary box of acceptance. To not feel the need to change or second guess my actions based on someone’s inability to enjoy the person I am.
In regards to dating, I’m not in a rush. Wanna know why I’m not in a rush? Cause I won’t settle. There’s also a tremendous amount of fear. Like, a lot. Plus, theres a lot of lousy men out there to be honest. I don’t want to settle for a man who doesn’t show up for me. To not settle for a man who doesn’t text me with good morning messages, or end the day with sweet dream wishes. I don’t require constant attention. But I do require consistent attention. If he wants me, I wanna know. I would want someone who has expectations from me the same as I have expectations from them. To be respectful of who I am. To love the person I was, the person I am, and the person I want to be. To grow close to a someone who has gumption, heart, and is brave enough to tell me exactly what he wants from me. Being left to wonder is icky. To care for a person who has his own set of beliefs, hurts, history, and dreams to look forward to. To learn about a persons and to fall in love with the highs and lows of their life. I wanna hear about the nitty gritty. They times you felt on top of the world and the times when you felt like an utter failure. To kiss away the sorrows for someone else and have them do the same for me. That’s what I want.
I guess the main feel of this blog is to just get it all off of my chest. I feel this anxiety creep up in me a lot and I can’t shake it. And I constantly wonder if I am handling this correctly. Do I hold on and hide the hard stuff? This whole new life, new me…I mean, am I actually new? Or am I the same old me, deluding myself into thinking I have created something new?
My self worth is something I grow tired of keeping afloat. Should it be this hard? Should I struggle this often? Am I being a good mother as I build up myself? Do my kids see a mom who is someone who fought tooth and nail for what she wants, or do they see a girl who is tired and failed miserably, making mistake after mistake as she blindly grasps for this elusive…thing? Moment? Person? Reason? Idea?
It’s hard to come to terms with my mistakes. Its hard to make peace with them. The embarrassment of my past mishaps steals my joy sometimes and I have to pretend like it doesn’t matter. I’m not saying to be proud of my mistakes. But to at least not let them railroad my life and affect every single decision because of some thought that makes me believe that I am not worthy of good things.
It’s hard to see my worth when my mistakes sit and glare at me. My empty ring finger, my skinny bank account, my empty weekends when the kids go the fathers. It’s hard sitting in the living room on a Saturday night, knowing there’s no babies in their rooms to yell at to shut their lights off. With the freedom of kid free weekends comes the stark realty that I was not enough to keep my marriage together. But this blog post isn’t about that. But I’m here to just shed light on the dark secrets of my heart. Even though I know it isn’t true, there always a voice deep down that laughs at me like Nelson from the Simpsons. My marriage was toxic. To be devoted to a person who did not care about me, did not love me, and honestly made me feel like I was worthless. Why would I mourn for that? To be honest, I don’t. Not anymore. Being divorced doesn’t make me sad. Being single doesn’t make me sad. That life I had when I was married was life of loneliness. Be happy for me that I was able to find a life that brings me joy. That I have found friends and habits that have cured my achy breaky heart. I think what makes me sad is me feeling like there is truth in the negative thoughts my mind conjures. That I am not enough. I am not enough for my friends. For a romantic partner. For an employer. For my kids. For myself. That I have conjured up this imaginary feeling of contentment when in reality, there’s an imposter behind the curtain, pulling strings and throwing magic dust around my companions to trick to them into believing I am more put together than I actually am.
But like, for what?
I don’t want to live in fear. Fear is incredibly powerful and I’m trying to find the tools to confront it. Do you know how hard it is to go up against your fears and lose?
Pfffttt horrrrrrrible.
I need to remind myself that my life does not hinge on one moment, one mistake, one action that led to not so great things. It doesn’t hinge on several mistakes or rotten choices I once made for that matter.
I need to learn how forgive myself. I’ve done a lot of soul searching. And people say “forgive yourself”. Ok, yeah, cool, cool.
But…how?
*crickets*
Why is this not more common knowledge? I know more about the Kardashians and I don’t even watch their show, then how to deal with handling self worth, forgiving myself and creating healthy bonds with people, especially romantic partners, to enrich my life.
I want many things in life. But what I’m searching for at the moment is contentment with things. To be okay with being a single parent. To be content with the person I am. To be content with my perpetually single life due to fear and lack of willingness to give anyone the time of day.
There are things in this blog that as I reread it, I make that cringing face and have hovered over the delete button several times. But I’m trying to be brave. And sometimes being brave means putting myself out there, letting other people know what I want, from me, from them, and from the world. To speak my worth and wants into existence. It may not seem like a lot, but for me, letting people know I struggle has been hard. I spent many years hiding my failures, my sorrow, and my needs due to embarrassment, this belief that “no one needs to know what you go through”. And I’m not searching for help through my blogs. Not in the cry for help sense. It’s more of expressing to others in an unapologetic way, that I am a work in progress and a complete work of art, all at the same time. Manifesting my destiny, one blog post at a time.
Comments