As I reread my last blog post, I realized it was a wee bit too long. Buuutttt I have a lot to include in this post. So, hope you are in a cozy spot. Cause this one is kind of long too.
Sorry I’m not sorry! Let’s get rolling!
I’m not even sure where to start. Life has been a constant roller coaster and honestly, I’ve just been hanging on for dear life. So much has been going on the last few weeks and I’m just trying to keep my head above water.
Let’s start with my kids. How lovely they are. And how crazy they make me! My son just turned 13 and y’all, I’m out of my element. I don’t even know what element I should be in, but this one is definitely NOT. IT.
I won’t go into specifics. It’s too much to write and frankly, I’m trying to move on. I’ve never been a single mom. I’ve never raised a teenage boy. Ive never been a single mom, raising a teenage boy. I feel unprepared. I’ve never encountered any of the things that now, it feels like I have to constantly fight off a dragon but it I’m only equipped with with a foam sword and a cardboard shield. Is this typical? I was raised by single mother. Do all single mothers feel this way?
Possibly.
I think the other battle I war with is feeling of inadequacy. Am I enough to raise these two kids to be wonderful adults? Am I enough to keep their lives (and mine for that matter) from becoming stagnant or stale or full of bitterness?
And the answer is yes. Yes I am.
I don’t always feel it. But it’s something that I’ve decided to see in myself. Even when I’m walking in the dark, grasping at air and tripping on all the other crap in my path that life has dealt, I continue on.
I had a death in my family recently. I debated on including this in my post, but I wanted to share. My cousin passed away this week. She was only 40. She lost a life long struggle with substance abuse and it contributed to her passing. There are people in my family tribe who have not always made the best choices for themselves. Poor choices led to more poor choices and as life has gone on, the repercussions of that life cannot be ignored. It’s sad ending to sad life. But I don’t want to remember her that way.
I want to remember that she was absolutely beautiful. And kind. And funny. And charismatic. She loved animals and the sea. And that’s how I’ll choose to remember her. Rest in peace Katie ✌️.
I’d like to talk about is this black cloud that seems to be following me around?
I’m pretty optimistic and perky and usually in a cheerful mood but it kind feels like I have some brujeria place on me and does anyone by chance know how to get it off? A prayer to pray or some chicken bones to throw? A chant maybe? Anything? (Obviously joking, but if you know someone...)
At first I was kind of like eh, that’s life. But then it was one thing after another and I kinda started making that face when your eyebrows crinkle and your mouth twists to one side? Like if this for real? Personal matters, job stress, car breaking down, my dogs killing kittens, (don’t ask!) family members getting Covid, other passing away, my bed frame literally cracking in half and now I’m typing this post in the middle of a large mattress taco. All within like 10 days. Whoever put the juju on me, kindly remove it.
I don’t even care if I’m being a tad dramatic.
Maybe stuff like this happened all the time and I was just too preoccupied to pay attention. Maybe when I was married I had another person to rely on to help ease the burden and I didn’t notice as much.
It’s crazy the way life speeds up and whips around so fast, your hair gets blown in disarray and you can barely open your eyes, like sticking your head out the window of a speeding car. But then when I realize that it’s going too fast and I can’t keep up, I panic a lil bit and kind of do a half-assed job at everything. But other times it moves remarkably slow and I can see every wrinkle and blemish on my life and it’s just soooo cringeworthy. Those are the nights I stay up with doubt and desperation. Thoughts of sadness, regret and disappointment color my thoughts. My judgement gets clouded and I start to question my thoughts, actions and habits. I question my worth. It makes me stop and think, does everyone see what I see? Does everyone see what a total screw up I am? How do I even have friends if they can all see the mess of a person I am and the chaos that is currently rampaging through my life like a toddler with a toothache?
Life is hard.
But I think what I’ve failed to realize before now is that it’s hard on so many different levels. It’s not just money, kids, and marriage that are tough. (Though those are pretty freaking hard)
It’s the small stuff. Like homework. Dinner quality. Screen time. R rated movies. Uncomfortable sex talk with my 13 year old. What temperature do I set my AC during the day so my electric bill isn’t expensive? My car is making a weird sound, hope it goes away? Did I wish my friend a happy birthday? When is her birthday again? Coming home after a long day and realizing, yet again, that my dog has a bladder the size of a cherry and I spend the next 30 mins cursing the dogs and running out of paper towels due to doggy duds.
But sometimes, those little cliché sayings come sashaying through my thoughts and helps to ease the anxiety.
Don’t sweat the small stuff!
This to shall pass.
Buck up butter cup!
Jesus loves you!
It may sounds silly, but it works. Not every time, but a lot the time. I just have to constantly (and gently) remind myself.
I spent a long time being unhappy. And I’m not unhappy anymore. I have had the worst 12 months of my entire life. But the crazy part is, that once I stopped the hemorrhaging of heartbreak, it allowed me to see the beauty IN EVERYTHING. Even the super crummy stuff.
I went through the worst thing I’ve ever gone through to arrive at the best place I have ever felt in my adult life.
The worst thing I have ever been through was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I know it sounds counterintuitive. And it sounds like blasphemy. And it sounds wrong.
I still havent delved into it fully. But I can’t deny it’s truth.
It’s crazy to be grateful for something awful. It says in the Bible that God hates divorce. And I believe, with every fiber of my being, in the truth of the Bible. But God doesn’t hate people. And that includes divorced people. I’m not sure what it means. I went through a lousy time and was stuck sucking the bitterness of that awful feeling through a straw. Constantly feeling out of breath and thirsty for relief that seemed to never come.
But it did come.
And when that bitter cup was empty, I came to find a cherry at the bottom, plump and sweet, reminding me that it wasn’t the end. There’s things to look forward to. Like Gandalf said, after he died fighting the Balrog in LOTR,
“But it was not the end. I felt life in me again!”
I learned to enjoy my life. I’m actually editing this post from an airport in Houston, on my way to Las Vegas. And I have smirk on my face cause this is my life now. Full wonder and trial and error, bent and warped scenarios and unexpected happiness and cultivated joy and brief moments of sorrow followed by late night conversations that make you laugh so much your cheeks hurt. Which is part of it all. A flower with constant sunshine will shrivel and with too much rain will drown. There’s greatness in all of it. All of the trials I have been dealt with over the last year has helped me to realize that LIFE IS SUH-WEEEEEET!
P. S. I do have to mention that my cousin got married last weekend and I was so freaking happy and grateful and excited to be apart of their day. I was maid of honor and my speech was a 4 min rap to the beat of Ice Ice Baby. I practiced for over a year and I was so glad to finally reveal my super awesome white girl rap skills to them. :)
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