There’s a song by Jodee Messina, called A lesson in leaving. In her song, she is singing it to a ex beau who I guess has a reputation for loving women and then leaving them. She says in the song, one day, someone is going to teach him a lesson in leaving.
But Jodee, just ONE lesson?
In reality, there’s a ton of lessons to be learned in leaving. In leaving an old relationship, old mind sets, and old habits. Sometimes though, the lessons are forced upon you from someone else leaving.
One of the biggest lessons/blessings of my life has happened because someone left it. I call it a blessing but in reality, it was the fire that scorched my life, but in turn, cleared the way for the new growth that I now get to enjoy.
Heartache can rot your insides and brings decay to your thoughts and self worth. I remember the old me would avoid headache at all cost. And when she was feeling hurt, or confused or irritated, she needed an immediate response. Like, right now. I wanted to talk about it. Hash it out. Argue about it. I wanted to have an answer. I wanted to discuss it, right then and there. I couldn’t see past my own response in how I felt at that given moment. Even if it led to us screaming at each other, ruining my mascara and making us late to whatever social event we we’re going to. Do you know what happens when you hash out your fights in the middle of being angry, every single time? You end up saying stuff you don’t mean, burning bridges you still need to cross and breaking your own damn heart. Trust gets eroded. Connection grows weak like wisps of cotton candy.
This was one of my “lessons in leaving”:
#1. Some things just don’t need to be hashed out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in talking things out. I like to talk…like a lot. But does everything need a response? Does every look, eye roll or remark deserve a
“can we talk about that?”
Absolutely Not.
Listen, I’m not a shrink, or a guru or any kind of expert in anything. I’m just a person who has gone through some rough stuff and explaining how I’ve learned from it.
Some stuff deserves the Frozen treatment: LET IT GO! (see what I did there?) haha
There has been an insane amount of growth, development, and just plain genuine human experience in sitting with my feelings. Especially the rotten ones. Let it leak out of the over flow of your heart, seep into marrow of your bones. Let it dampen your pillow, and steal your breath. Because my dear friends, nothing lasts forever. Let that stuff gooooooo. You will feel lighter after. I promise.
Have you ever had a oven with a self cleaning feature? Do you know how ovens self clean themselves? I googled it.
Ovens heat up to over 880°, and the food debris melts away and eventually turns to ash. Your house with get hot and often time it stinks like burnt food and melted plastic, sometimes for hours!
I feel like that’s what happens when we allow ourselves to SIT WITH OUR FEELINGS. It’s gross. And smelly. And hot. But it’s a process. Eventually the smell goes away and the heat cools. You’re oven (and your heart) are cleaner and better for it. Maybe learning how to sit with our messiness helps us to clean out the gunk so it doesn’t keep interrupting our life.
Lesson in leaving #2: Stop being to cool for everything.
I used to think that as long as I appeared to have my stuff together, it would be one less thing to worry about. Appearing to be cool. Hang with the right people, have the right political views, weigh the right amount, talk to the cool people…all of it was total crap.
Maybe this is a Miami thing, I’m not sure. I’ve never lived anywhere else, so who knows. But holy cannoli, the amount of missed opportunities people have (myself included) all because we thought we were too cool for
something. Too mature. Too above it all.
Peeps, lemme tell you something…some of the greatest memories, relationships and experiences I have had are due to just living my life, and for just a brief moment, letting people love me. It’s hard to put our guard down. To not keep our walls up. It’s much easier to be aloof and keep an arms distance away from people. But hello, that’s where life is! In the nitty gritty. The up close. The sweaty. The dirt under your finger nails, the mosquito bites from staying outside too late talking on the sidewalk. The raspy voice you get from singing “Bye Bye Miss American Pie” at the top of your lungs in a parking lot. When you’re laying down facing a person in a bed and just discussing love, life, loss, and heart break. Laying in the grass, looking at the sky with zero thoughts of the itchy feeling that’s to come once you stand up out of the grass. There’s a cost to everything. Pay the damn price! Pay it and then give even more! Pay the price and show up! Sing the damn song. Jump in pool with your clothes on. Buy the latte. Talk to that person. Show up. Be there. Don’t let being cool talk you out of the greatest commodity that earth has to offer: people.
How did it become cool to hate people? How did it become uncool to want friends and connection? Why would I not want more people to love and love me in return? Why is it uncool to talk to your server about their night? To tell the cashier at CVS you like her Christmas vest? I understand there’s limitations to everything. I’m not going to hold the server at my table with needless conversation if they are busy, or telling you to force insincere compliments. But I can tell you, there’s never been a single time that someone took genuine interest in me that I felt “ugh, why?” Sometimes being uncool, is the coolest thing you can be. I’d rather be uncool and happy than to appear like I’m above others and remain alone. Give out smiles like your club promoter for SPACE, handing one out to out to every person who walks by. IYKYK!
My last lesson in leaving I’ll discuss in this post is this:
#3. Find someone who loves you for you.
I know. This sounds like, uh Duh. But I can tell you, not as easy as it sounds.
And just to clarify, I’m not only talking about a romantic relationship.
I’ve been on my own for over a year.
While I may not of started out completely from scratch, that’s exactly how it felt.
Some of the people in my life were there before. Some are here since I’ve been on my new journey. All are amazing. There have been moments where if someone hadn’t stepped in and just stood by me, I’m not sure where I would of ended up. To my friends who have been there for me: don’t think any small effort from you didn’t have profound impact on my life. You will never EVER realize the long lasting impact your love, presence and support has helped me.
I know guys. Good friends are not easy to come by. Don’t give out your secrets and time indiscriminately. You are precious and your thoughts and heart are things to be treasured. But you have to find the people to do it. Find a tribe. Love them hard. And let them love you in return.
Letting someone love you, especially after you’ve been hurt is so scary. I was TERRIFIED of talking to anyone when I was getting divorced cause I felt like such an epic failure. And I know it sounds silly, but because my ex husband had moved on so quickly, I felt like there was something profoundly wrong with me. Like everyone I met would be able to see the giant “SHES GETTING DIVORCED CAUSE SHE OBVIOUSLY SUCKS” sign I imagined hanging over my head.
Obviously, no such sign exsisted. And I’ve never met anyone who got divorced and thought less of them. So why did I think people would think this about me? Fear? Probably. Lack of self worth? Most likely.
And I now know there was nothing wrong with me. My ex isn’t a monster. He fell out of love and moved on with his life. His timing sucked, but it’s all water under the bridge now. His inability to see the value in me didn’t make it not exist. Make sense?
Now, I cultivate love like bees to honey. Something that was very hard for me to admit, was that the biggest person who betrayed me, was myself. I had warped myself into a contortionist to fit into a life that I never would of been happy in. I would lie awake at night and know, deep down, that I was shielding away the person I really was to conform to person who fit into the cookie cutter version of my life then. It was exhausting to be honest. I betrayed myself. My values. My worth. All because I was afraid. Afraid of what standing up for myself would look like. Fear was a noose and it hung loosely around my neck and when I dared take exception to the realities of my life, I felt it tigthen. And when the floor was kicked out from under me, Oh boy, I felt it then. But guess what!? I’m. Still. Here. Still kicking. And now I’m kicking ass. I don’t have to fear being myself because I know the value of who I am. And I know I have found people that want to be with me. To love me. To plan vacations with. Invite me to concerts out of town. Share videos with. Have snap chat stories. Send memes. We share TikToks. People who buy me orchids. People who text me good morning. And then when I’m laying down for bed, they text me goodnight. Send me heart eye emojis. Play trivia with me. Sing in the car with me. Go to chili’s and have two for ones with me. Send me pictures they drew. Recommend movies to watch. Shares their stories of their past with with me. Share their current fears. Share their hopes of the future.
And man, do I absolutely love it.
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