4K Baby

Its currently 1:41 am as I start writing this post. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. So I decided to write. I haven’t written for the blog in awhile because I honestly just haven’t had much to say. Now I feel like there’s so much to say that my mind won’t quiet down enough to let me rest. So, here I am, writing in the middle of night. Again.

Not that there’s a lot readers, constantly checking the status of this blog, refreshing their pages and biting their nails, waiting for new content. It’s literally just my mind spilling over and the words catching on the page. I’m sharing my thoughts with anyone bored enough to read.

And that’s A-Ok with me.

I think the theme that has been prevalent, if not consciously done, is to be okay with who I am now. To be okay with my choices. Even if they don’t come to fruition or turn out well. I’m trying to build confidence in myself. To make my own choices and be firm with what I choose, if not proud. It’s going pretty good. Lots of mistakes have been made. But you know what else? Lots of life has been happening as well. I’ve tried so many new things over the past few months. Met so many new people. Drank beer in new places. Visited new places. Downloaded new apps. Watched new shows. Brand new conversations have been blossoming, every day. I’ve done so many things that I never even knew were missing from my life. And now I have an appetite for it. Looking back on a few memories that cruise through my mind as I type this up, I find myself smiling. Smiling in the dark. (Ya know, cause it’s the middle of the night?) Smiling because I’m happy.

It’s insane for me to say that. Insane because a few months ago, my life felt like purgatory. Divorce sucks y’all. It’s just, the absolute worst. The worst thing I’ve ever gone through. Nothing that I’ve experienced even comes close. I won’t reiterate what I’ve said in previous posts. I feel like I’ve done it justice, fleshing out the heartbreak and such in my writing. Let’s not beat a dead horse. But I went through it. I sunk down to the depths and made my way back up. Like Ariel bursting out of the water after she got turned into a human. Taking a giant gasp of air. Just to give you a visual of what healing has felt like.

Life has moved on. I’ve got a new rhythm. New songs in my head. New numbers in my phone. New people who I call friends. And it’s so AMAZING.

There has been a one thing that has happened recently that has definitely broken my heart. A few days ago, one of the greatest men Ive ever known, my friend Otto, passed away suddenly. He was my work dad, and I was his work daughter. He really was one of my best friends. He taught me so much. Professionally and personally. I’ll miss our long drives together. I laugh now, remembering when we would drive past a pasture and see a horse in the field and we’d always yell excitedly “Horse!”. Like if we haven’t seen a million horses in our life time. We drank cuban coffee every time we worked together. We ordered the exact same thing at Shortys BBQ: pulled pork sandwich on garlic toast with crinkle fries and a coke. Mangnifique!

I can write forever about the impact he has had on my life. He touched so many people with his kindness, his generosity and his genuineness. I loved him like a father and I’ll miss him terribly.

And Christmas happened last week. It was wonderful. A few months ago, thinking of Christmas felt like lead in my chest. I couldn’t imagine a Christmas without my family being intact. But time is a beautiful thing. I didn’t have a single poor thought on Christmas.

My brother even commented to me that I seem to be happier. That I’m in a better place. Because I am. I spent time with my family, laughed and joked and waited and watched as my kids opened gifts from my family and from myself with starry eyes. I came home and as I layed down at night, I prayed. I prayed with joy. I had tears run down my face as I prayed to God, thanking him. Thanking him for sending his son to be born. Thanking him for my family. And thanking him for all the perils I have gone through. To experice Christmas like I had this year, with no turmoil, or arguing, or sour looks, or held breath, or snarky comments, or rolling eyes, or embarrassment that my husband slept the majority of the time we were with my family, only to wake up and be antisocial with everyone. I felt so grateful. As I layed down, my daughter slept next to me and I just looked at her face, her big puffy lips, her dark eyelashes and listened to her slow breaths as she slept. And I just felt this over whelming love. From God. For my kids. For my life.

Is it perfect? Goodness no!

I have had more stress from my children in last month than I’ve had since they were born. I won’t go into it, but theres been quite a bit of drama. Throw in a pandemic, broken elbow, Christmas shopping, and co-parenting? Recipie for chaos. But don’t worry y’all. I’ve got this. I put my big girl pants on. I have learned and grown and observed and had trial and error and tons of just stabs in the dark at this whole “New Life, New Me” business. I take things as they come for now. Never been to good at the whole 5 year plan thing. Plus any 5 year plan I could of ever made perviously would of been blown to smithereens. So I think I’m doing okay. I’m looking forward to the future. So many great things to anticipate and plan for.

2021 will be here in a few short days. I’ve been thinking about resolutions. But for some reason, when I think of resolution, I think of the clarity and vivid picture observed on a brand spanking new TV. I think about the crispy picture, the bright colors and the giant screen we can observe it on. And that’s how I want to see my life now. So for the new year, I do have a resolution. I want to live my life to fullest.

In 4K clarity baby.