Throwing out old versions of myself

Mix of emotions today.

Like, I’m grateful to be here but ready to check out completely. I feel stress eating away at my sanity like a caterpillar munching on a leaf. Row by row, tiny teeth marks being left on my brain.

It’s a weird thing to be grateful for, being alive. Like, of course I am, right? But let’s just say it, it be hard sometimes. Even things that make sense, don’t make sense. Most things are hard to be honest. There isn’t much that’s actually easy. At least in my experience. Idk, maybe I’m being a negative Nancy. But….hear me out: Maybe, Nancy has a point. Maybe the negative things are all the ways life is slapping our hand away and saying “Noooo, don’t touch that”. But can I be honest? Maybe I wanna touch it. Just once, to see what it feels like. I want to punch in the old school car cigarette lighter, and see the bright orange glow peeking out from it and feel exactly what that the heat can do to my finger. What’s the word I’m looking for? Ahh. Temptation. Is all temptation bad? Is it negative to consider all temptation as something to avoid? Why did they have the lighters in cars in the first place? Was the convenience of cigarette lighting overshadowing public safety? Is convenience the root of all laziness? So many questionnnnnssssss.

I feel like lately, my mind has been throwing out old versions of herself. Old conversations, old relationships and old ways of thinking. Like dried up flower petals that have fallen off a bouquet. They served their purpose. But now they just crumble and add nothing but a mess to clean up. The biggest issue with this, this ridding of old flower petals so to speak, is that once you throw out the things that took up space that no longer serve you, you’re left with quite a bit of empty. You can almost feel it. A tangible nothingness.

Tonight, I had kind of a lousy night. And when I was in the peak of my emotional roller coaster, I realized I didn’t have a lot of avenues to turn to for distraction. My mind didnt immediately have a thing to latch on to for support. No men on my roster to distract me with flirty conversations. No tasks on my To Do list (it was 10:30pm). No friends I had any interest in stirring up or burdening them with conversations about my stress levels. No shows I’m currently watching. And, I am so over social media tonight, I’m now resorting to recipes and Halloween decorations on Pinterest to pass the time. Being on hurt leave from work has definitely left it’s mark. A lot of my usual go-to things for distraction have expired. The temptation to reach out to someone I had no actual interest in to alleviate the weight of things was easily ignored, thankfully. All I’m saying is that it made me realize a lesson that I have already learned but haven’t put into practice for awhile. Something that distraction keeps at bay. And the lesson is:

Sit with it.

Just, sit with it.

SIT WITH IT.

Sit with the weird feeling of being a tad disconnected from people at the moment.

Sit with not having a speed dial person lined up for when trouble arises.

Sit with the anger you feel toward different troubles plaguing you at the moment.

Sit with the stress caterpillar chowing down on your peace of mind.

This practice of sitting with it, idk how, but it helps. Doesn’t help the problem. Doesn’t bring forth any solutions. Don’t inspire me. Doesn’t dry my tears. It just helps. It helps me, with me, I guess. I’m not sure the science of it. Getting accustomed to having problems in my life, that are entirely my own to handle, takes work. But getting accustomed to having those same problems lingering, what’s the purpose of that? Is it so I am no longer afraid of them? Sitting with the feeling of stress, loneliness or anxiety, or of impending doom? Why would I sit with it? I’m asking this rhetorically because I don’t know the answer. I just know, sitting with the rotten feeling, and not fighting tooth and nail to avoid it, eventually makes the rotten feeling turn to mist. It doesn’t disappear. But it turns into something new. Something that clings to your skin. A little refreshing maybe. Vigor? Optimism? Resolve? Who knows. I’ll let you know once the rotten feeling goes away. Did I mention it’s still here? As I type this blog, laying in my bed, in the dark, the yucky feeling of failure and stress cling like old lady perfume. Cloying. Overpowering.

My jaw is tight from clenching it. My leg is sore from being locked in its booted cage 24/7. My kids cell phones sit on my nightstand cause I took them as punishment for their various crimes of robbery and murder and a bad grade on their progress reports. Is that the rotten feeling? Or is it the many other things I’ve left left undone? I swear, I half-did so much today. I removed nail polish from only 6 nails. I washed 4 dishes and left 6 in the sink. I did 3 loads of laundry and only folded 2. I also only put away half of my folded clothes. I clipped 47% of the hair off my schnauzer. I sorted my giant mail pile and then just left it sorted on the table, didn’t even bother to discard the junk. Is this is a symptom of something else or I am just stressed and unable to fully perform my house hold duties? Someone tell me. Cause ya girl is struggling here. I blame the leg. When all else fails, blame the leg. If you’re struggling in your life, I generously give you the right to blame the leg also.

Through all of it though, I know this lost feeling will not linger. Eventually. It hangs around, eats some chips, hits on girls, plays beer pong but eventually gets tired and leaves the party, no new numbers in it’s pockets. So tomorrow, hopefully my jaw won’t be sore from clenching my teeth. My anger will have boiled over and cooled and I’ll no longer be stewing over problems that hopefully will seem so much smaller than they did today. Will the kids get their phones back? Idk. If I’m feeling generous, maybe one day soon. And the boot? Well, me and ol’ booty have formed a bit of codependent relationship and idk how much I can do without him currently. But I’m in therapy, and hopefully one day soon, I’ll break up with the boot and run away, literally. Hopefully I’ll be able to avoid another calamity for a brief period and enjoy peace and quiet…for once in my life.