I used to think I was completely set in my ways. I was firm in my beliefs. I was so sure of myself, so sure I knew who I was. What I was about and how I wanted to conduct myself. And in some ways, it worked out in my favor. It honesty helped me to avoid a lot of heartbreak and big pit falls that a lot of people go through. My personality and my choices were reliable and I could usually expect the same behavior from myself day in and day out. Same behavior = same outcome.
Here’s the problem with that: Zero growth.
I felt like a plant in a glass case. I’d grow until I realized I couldn’t anymore then I’d have to fold over and the parts of me the started to grow wilted and died. Over and over again.
And then my life changed. If you’ve read my blog before, you know what happened.
Ive learned a lot about myself since then. Mostly, I learned that I know absolutely nothing. About myself, about my choices, where my heart lays, where or why my mind wanders. I learned that I was holding myself back. From a lot. Not in a bad way. But in an ignorant way. You don’t know what you don’t know.
I missed out on so many things. Experiences. Conversations. Feelings. I understand there’s a cost to everything. Good things cost something, and so do the bad. But when the cost is the enrichment of my life, shouldn’t it taste bitter?
It wasn’t bitter though. It was bland. Looking back now, I imagine it tasting like a stale cracker. Dry. Lacking flavor. It will sustain you. Keep you from dying. It may fill your belly. But there’s no sweet memory to it. I don’t look back and say “Ah yes, the bland memories. Good times!”
I started a new job this week. First job I’ve ever applied, interviewed, and got hired, all by myself, meaning, I didn’t know someone to help me get a foot in the door. Since I’ve been working there, I realized how much I really didn’t like my other job.
I mentioned before in an earlier post that my co-worker/work dad Otto passed away last December, and to be honest, I couldn’t bring myself to love my job anymore after he passed. Not only due to his passing, but I felt like the loss of his friendship, love, and guidance was the the start to me just losing any want to stay there. I didn’t even realize it until I wasn’t working there anymore. But it stopped being fun without him. And on top of everything else I had been going through, my heart just couldn’t take it anymore.
I know he’d be proud of where I am though. I sure as hell am. :)
The main inspiration for the blog post came from this last weekend. I had one of the greatest weekends ever.
On Friday, I hung out with a friend and we ending up laying down in the dark at the baseball field by my house. Layed down in the short, damp grass, hands behind our heads, gazing up at all 3 stars visible in Miami at night. No deep conversation was had. No crazy thoughts or secrets revealed. We just layed there. And talked. And it was fabulous. It brings a smile my face because it’s small moments like this that get seared into my brain. A good memory. A happy memory. A time that I felt at ease and full of life.
Let me ask you a question. Have you even been to the beach alone? Up until this last Saturday, I had never been. And I felt anxiety about it. First of all, I took the longest freaking way ever to get there. And then I stoped for food. And then I stopped for gas. And then when I parked, there was a construction area next to my car. When I tried to walk around the broken pavement, I stepped into a deceptively deep spot in the wet ground and got my feet covered in gray mud. At the beach. Ugh.
But I laughed about it. I stood there in the line to pay for parking, one dude behind me, and I know for sure, he looked down at my mud caked feet. But I didn’t care. I hauled my cookies all the way to the beach and I was still riding the high from my star gazing Friday night. Nothing was going to ruin my day. I ended up rinsing my feet off at a sun warmed puddle in parking lot. Super cute right?
Friends. I stayed at the beach FOR 5 HOURS. 5 freaking hours. Alone. And I absolutely loved every single second of it. I took pictures, browsed videos, took more pictures, people watched, cloud watched, sat in the sand till the tide brought the waves to me. I can’t explain it. But I felt like I had unlocked some secret perk of adulting. The weather was fab. The water was fab. And to top it off, home girl didn’t get a sunburn. #Winning!
After I left the beach, I hung out with family. Ate dinner, had brownies and ice cream, saw my nephews and my niece.
It’s okay, you can be jealous.
When I got home, I realized I didn’t want to be home alone. I wanted to have a drink to celebrate my first new week of work.
Another first for me: I went to the bar…alone. Meaning I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone there. I was NERVOUS. Im not even sure why. But hey, this was a day of firsts for me, so I decided, what the hell. So I went. And it was great. I made friends. And shared stories. Shared Instagram profiles. Took pictures. And my bill was $5. I left a good tip and when I got home, I went to sleep happy.
Happy!!!
It’s more than a feeling.
It’s more like, contentment. I feel it, like a second skin. Cause even when things don’t go my way, and I have a terrible day, or receive not great news, or argue with someone, I still go to bed and I don’t have that heavy, dread feelings in chest.
I still have worries. And stress. Strife. Heartbreak. Anxiety.
But I have joy along with all those things.
It’s a new feeling.
Not very proud to admit that feeling joyful is a new feelings to be honest . But since I’m in the business of transparency lately, I want to be open with how I feel.
I feel like for the longest time, it was hard to gain momentum for joy. Like trying to run in a dream. You keep trying so hard and you end up nowhere.
I wish I could give you a short version of how I came to this place but I can’t. And I won’t go into detail about it now.
But I haven’t felt this light in a very, very long time.
I feel like I can see myself clearer. I can see my heart. My wants. My needs. My strengths. My weakness. My hurts. My shame. My regrets. And mostly, I’ve come to realize that they are all necessary for me to be a functioning person. You need to the lousy to push you to do better. And you need to the good to make life worth living.
All along, all I needed to do was plant myself in good soil. And not try to grow in a place that I had outgrown so very long before.
So here’s to the stargazing nights in baseball fields. Here’s to the sun kissed beach skin and sandy fingers. Here’s to the brownie hugs and kisses from my babies. Here’s to the people you meet when you put yourself out there and take a leap! Here’s to the person I’ve become. Here’s to shedding off the person you were and growing into the person you actually are. And here’s to finally feeling happy.
Cheers!
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